Photo: Iryna Imago / Shutterstock
Misandry is what happens when a woman decides that she wants to heal from a lifetime of male abuse.
By Dori Hartley — Written on Feb 18, 2021
Misogyny. We know that word so well. We live in a misogynistic world. Women are hated, and we women hate being hated, yet — we still live with it. We still allow it. We still only fight it half way, and it's hard to successfully fight fire with fear and obeisance.
And then there's misandry.
What is misandry? By definition: hatred, dislike, or mistrust of men.
Misandry is not the opposite of misogyny. It is not an inborn trait; women do not hate men without reason, as some men (not all) seem to hate and disrespect women unnecessarily, as if its a birthright. Let's call it a privilege.
Misandry is what happens when a woman decides that she wants to heal from a lifetime of male abuse. She didn't ask for the abuse, nor did she ask to take on the hatred needed in order to combat it, but she does needs to take her power back, and she does NOT need to be polite while doing so.
She was marinated in misogyny, spent an entire life not only bearing it, but anticipating it around every corner. Women never ever get a break from it, which means they never get to heal, and sometimes the only way to get to ground zero is by fighting fire with fire.
And so it is with misandry. Misandry is a woman's first true show of self-love and female power. Misandry isn't the opposite of misogyny — it's a woman's ultimate defense against it.
Could you just imagine what women would evolve into if we didn't have men destroying our chances at every turn?
Imagine the kind of super-human beings women would become if they weren't always boxed up and belittled by creatures who can only get the better of us by raping and beating us to death?
Imagine the joy of walking down the street without the fear of being raped, every damned day of one's life? Imagine the liberation of thinking there weren't other humans out there who could kill us if we don't do as they say? Could you imagine one freaking day where women are not harassed, misread, emotionally raped, ogled, ridiculed, abused, gawked at, lusted over, pushed to their limits, humiliated, stalked, resented, demeaned and invalidated by men?
What on earth could women evolve into if they were just left alone to develop without the constant, unrelenting poison of men's opinions, explanations and actions hovering over them?
While the last thing this world needs right now is more hate and divisiveness, there are steps that women must take in order to free themselves from the eternal position of being the less valuable of the human beings, according to men's value chart.
In order to free ourselves, we have to burn in the fires of our own ego, meaning, we have to take a chance and get ugly with our repressed feelings. We need to take a stand against our male oppressors without the fear of 'coming across the wrong way' or of 'being offensive' or becoming known as a 'crazed, castrating feminist.'
Who the hell cares what we're called, or who likes us or doesn't? This is our freedom we're talking about, and it doesn't happen by compromising with men. It happens by separating from men, and if desired, returning anew, with new agreements and communicated understandings on both parts.
Why the hell are things such as 'women's spaces' in existence? Because women need to be AWAY from men in order to feel safe enough to authentically flourish.
In other words, if women are ever to evolve, they had better come to understand — and reject — that which seeks to keep them enslaved. Women need to get in touch with their hatred, dislike and mistrust of men BEFORE they can jettison themselves into being able to love and respect them again.
Feel it to heal it, as they say.
I once knew a man, an ex-friend of mine, who was such a misogynist that his behavior bordered on severe mental illness. His special, seething hate was for fat women, and he went out of his way to defile and emotionally ruin any and every woman who didn't fit his ideal of physical perfection, one he developed by religiously watching an overabundance of internet porn.
I don't need to tally off his pathetic insults, as everyone's heard them before, ad infinitum. He was not only a creepy hater, he was a huge bore, offering the world nothing but his opinion on what women were worth to him — if she is not a warm hole in a pornographically-shaped body, then she is a heap of rotting garbage that can take itself out.
I've also known men who go out of their way to tell stories about how they slept with "a fat woman," to impress other women, like, "See, I'm one of the good guys. I bedded a fat lady and it wasn't half-bad! Will you sleep with me now, seeing that I'm so special, sympathetic and sensitive?"
Another male friend of mine took to displaying photos of women being peed on by dogs, on his Facebook page. When I publicly objected, he and his male buddies ganged up on me, telling me to "lighten up, it's just a joke." In private, I asked my friend to please consider how awful this kind of thing is — those were the days when I was still being polite. He responded by putting up photos of women, on their knees, licking their lips to imply that they are happiest when pleasing men's lusts.
I can't go through the "not all men" thing right now. I can't do the dance where I make it easier for men to get through our misandry. I won't mince words anymore so that I can still be liked by a demographic that naturally hates my guts and can't get its grubby paws off of me. I can't care about how I come off or what men think of me. I might as well chain myself to their dungeon walls and know myself as an obedient, malleable and moronic female slave.
A woman's life may consist of any number of these scenarios:
She is there to carry the emotional weight in her marriage. A few years into the marriage brings her the knowledge that her husband has become the equivalent of a human boiled potato and so now it's up to her to start all conversations and keep things interesting. He offers no emotion, no effort, no interest, and so she ends up hauling the burden for the both of them.
She is harassed online by men who pretend to be her friend, only to discover that she's just another spank-bank selection for him. Worthless when not used as a sex object.
If someone breaks into her house, she does not fear being robbed; she fears being raped and murdered. This is a terror exclusive to women.
She walks down the street, sees a bunch of men, and anticipates the level of harassment she will receive. This could range from imagining what her presence will stir up in their minds, to what awful sexist words will come out of their mouths, to outright groping and threatening behavior. What kind of verbal gang-bang will ensue this time?
She will be approached online by married men, who will beg her for nude photos to masturbate to, all the while ignoring the idea that this kind of infidelity might actually destroy their own marriages — or that SHE, the woman they are begging, could destroy their marriages by simply telling their wives what their husbands are up to.
She will receive unsolicited photos of men's penises, which will revolt her and possibly make her puke. I've come to the conclusion that just about all men keep staged photos of their well-lit, erect and flaccid penises in their phones, just waiting for the right moment to send 'em out to anyone they can. Prove me wrong.
She will reject a man and then have to hear that she's either a lesbian (always the first 'go-to' for men, as if it's the biggest put-down they can think of), a mental case, problematic, histrionic, a radical feminist or a pitiful, hysterical creature that needs medical help.
The absolute worst turn-off I've ever personally experienced was being told by a man that I need medical treatment to deal with the suicidal sadness he assumed I must be feeling due to my lack of interest in sex with men — ironic, considering I've always been a super-happy and sexually content person. There is nothing that can turn a woman off men faster than being told that she could be made 'better' by listening to the advice of some judgmental, emotionally limited guy who cheats on his wife and hides behind the pretense of caring. Dude, she's just not into you. You don't have to hurt her for that.
Talk about gaslighting, phew. The narcissism of it all is beyond obvious: "You don't think like me, so you must be sick. And it's my manly duty to explain how things should work in your world."
She will hear all about how flattered she should be that some random internet man thinks she's beautiful and desirable.
Misandry is what happens when women accept that there is no equality. It's what happens when you realize that fighting for equality is like fighting to downgrade yourself, and why would women ever want to live in a world where it's even worse for them than it is now. Equal to men? What? So we become just like them? So that we can live lives putting men down, seeing them as less than us, making them into our slaves, using them mercilessly for our pleasure and then shooing them away when they no longer please our sexual whims?
Misandry is the hammer that breaks the lock on the cage women allow to stay shut.
Women, let yourselves out of the cage. Smash the lock.
Men, after we're free, then we'll deal with you. But until then, there's no communication, compromise or balance while we're still in this prison.
It doesn't take much to scare men. I say, let's terrify them.
Cherchez la femme.
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Dori Hartley is primarily a portrait artist. As an essayist and a journalist, she can be read in The Huffington Post, ParentDish, YourTango, The Daily Beast, Psychology Today, More Magazine, XOJane, MyDaily and The Stir. Her art books ‘Beauty’, ‘Antler Velvet’, and 'Mads Mikkelsen: Portraits of the Actor' are all available on Amazon.