40 Best Ron Swanson Quotes From Parks And Rec

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Parks and Rec may have ended in 2015, but Ron Ulysses Swanson quotes remain a constant source of wisdom and relatability in these uncertain times. 

Though he is distant and hyper-masculine, Ron secretly harbors respect and care for those around them and is a great comic relief source. A breakfast aficionado, woodworking savant, avid fisherman, and secret jazz saxophonist, Ron has lived a full life. He has plenty of advice for the rest of us.

The Parks and Recreation department director in Pawnee has opinions on everything from America to skim-milk — his wisdom knows no bounds!

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

RELATED: 30 Funniest Parks And Rec Quotes About Life, Love, & Friendship

Buckle up, grab a whiskey, and get ready because they are splitting hilarious.

1. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

2. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

3. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Bayart

4. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: me.me

5. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: TV Gag

6. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: tumblr

7. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: TV Gag

8. “I’m not interested in caring about people.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

9. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

10. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

11. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Reddit

12. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

13. “There is only one bad word: taxes.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

14. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.” —Ron Swanson

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15. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

16. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

17. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

18. “I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.” —Ron Swanson

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19. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

20. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

RELATED: 9 Things You Never Knew About The 'Parks And Recreation' Cast

21. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

22. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” —Ron Swanson

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23. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Picture Quotes

24. ”Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Reddit

25. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: TV Gag

26. “Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Twitter

27. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Funny Memes

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28. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: TV Gag

29. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Indiewire

30. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Reddit

31. “Please talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Reddit

32. “Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Twitter

33. “Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: me.me

34. “Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

35. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

36. “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

37. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Indiewire

38. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Twitter

39. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Reddit

40. “I regret nothing. The end.” —Ron Swanson

Photo: Pinterest

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Rachel Reed is a writer and editorial intern interested in news, culture, self, and relationships.