I Love You Even Though You Don't Belong In My Life
You are not my future husband, nor my happily ever after.
NOVODIASTOCK / Shutterstock By Skylar Jones
You’re not someone who deserves to be in my life, nor do you fit.
We are polar opposites and don’t share much in common anymore. Nor are you the kind of person I typically go for.
But I can’t help myself from keeping you in my life.
I try to listen to the advice everyone gives me. I’ve had friends, family members, and even random psychics all mention you with the message to remove you from my life.
You’re labeled as a deadweight by those closest to me and even strangers who have no clue what we’ve been through. But I can’t bring myself to do it.
The thought of deleting your number or unfollowing you is difficult — the thought of trying to forget you is impossible.
You can be flaky with me one minute and blow off our plans. But the next minute, you prioritize me and show me how loyal you are despite that. Your ability to break my barriers when I’m so stubborn baffles everyone close to me.
One of us messages the other first and I convince myself it’s a friendly conversation. It’s just two friends catching up.
But the flirtation is like second nature and the compliments make me feel desired again. The pet names make me feel like I’m at home and the in-person meetups are instinctively normal.
Next thing you know, we’re kissing passionately and hugging for too long to say goodbye. Then, I’m left in tears, anxiously awaiting our next conversation while I try to live like everything is fine in between.
In the moments when we’re together, I’m at my happiest. My heart is hopeful that this will be the time things change and you’ll want me again. Maybe you won’t leave. Maybe you’ll remember what you’re missing.
But I know the reality of what we are — not what I envision and hope for.
I know I’m not an idiot even though that’s how I’m portrayed because of how highly I think of you.
You are not my future husband, nor my happily ever after.
You have broken my heart numerous times and you’ll probably continue until the moment comes when you finally leave me for good. Yet despite knowing what I know, I can’t help but want you.
It’s like I want you to destroy me just so you can still be in my life. How pathetic is that?
My mind has tortured me with truths and lies. I will never understand why I willingly put myself through this and continue to make these mistakes.
You aren’t ready for a woman like me despite what you say. I am not willing to settle for someone like you. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.
No, I don’t regret meeting you because you’ve given me lessons that are truly a blessing. I needed to go through what I went through to grow and move on.
But I do regret putting myself through this vicious cycle and wasting my time.
One day I’ll have the strength to walk away and live my best life without you in it. But until then, you’ll continue to be a mistake I want to make.
Skylar Jones is a writer and frequent contributor to Unwritten who provides a voice for women on topics of heartbreak and relationships. Her work has been featured in The Gospel Coalition and Carson Now, among others.