4 Signs He's Your 'Un-Soulmate' And You're Not Meant To Be
Some people seem perfect for us, even when they're anything but.
unsplash You’ve heard of un-birthdays, right? It’s an Alice in Wonderland reference meaning that it’s not your birthday, but you’re celebrating it anyway. After all, there’s only one birthday, and what’s more fun than to celebrate the 364 un-birthdays you have each year?
Well, you just might have an un-soulmate. They’re not your soulmate, but you keep insisting that they could be, hanging on to them when everything they’re communicating to you — both verbally and non-verbally — says that they aren’t your person.
If the idea is that you only have one soulmate (a debatable point), then shouldn’t you at least explore the other, more readily available options? And couldn’t this person become your perfect soul mate?
No, they can’t. Because they’re not. They’re just your un-soul mate, and no amount of sticking with them and putting the relationship on a pedestal will make them your soulmate.
It’s a tough truth because some people seem perfect for us. They seem like such a good fit that we’re sure they have to be the one. But if they don’t want to be the one, they’re not the one.
Louder for the people in the back!
Someone who doesn’t want that type of commitment with us is not our perfect soulmate. They’re the un-soul mate, the almost-perfect companion that we’d love to have as a soulmate because we haven’t met the real one yet, and frankly, it gets lonely waiting.
But how can you tell that the one you’re with is the un-soulmate rather than the soulmate relationship?
1. They offer up excuses rather than solutions.
They do want a relationship, just not right now.
They’re not yet ready for a relationship.
There’s a scheduling conflict or a distance that’s preventing them from committing.
They say they feel the same about you but…
If they wanted a relationship with you, the timing wouldn’t be a problem. If you were the one, they would be ready. If there’s a “but” or conflict in schedules or locations, they’d be coming up with solutions… if, of course, you were their soulmate.
The fact that they just have a bunch of excuses means you’re not that person for them. Which means that they aren’t that person for you.
2. Their nonverbal communication is louder than their words.
I once had an un-soulmate. When we talked about our relationship status, he avoided eye contact. His body would put a little distance between mine. He was right there with me, but I could feel him mentally checking out of the conversation.
He was saying that he had feelings for me, but his body language was registering discomfort with the conversation. I wanted him to be the one, and he just wanted me to be the one right now.
His words didn’t have to tell me. I could see it in the little tells that were so much louder than the words he was saying.
A soulmate isn’t going to act shifty when the relationship status is discussed.
3. They’ve said they’re not the one.
This just might be the biggest clue, and staying in denial by telling yourself that they didn’t mean what they said isn’t helping.
If they have offered an objection to the idea that you’re soulmates, that’s not your person. You can’t make someone your soulmate who isn’t interested, only wants to be friends with you, or doesn’t see you in that way.
No amount of effort on your part will ever magically make them become that person.
4. You have your doubts, but you’re impatient for that soulmate connection.
If you have doubts that this person is your soulmate but you feel like this is your only shot or you don’t want to be alone, this person isn’t the one. They’re just the un-soulmate you’re settling for because you’re lonely, and your soulmate hasn’t yet arrived.
You want to connect, and you want this person to be the one because you’re so tired of the stress and heartache of dating. The last thing you want to do is get back out there, updating your dating profile yet again.
But you know. You know in your heart that there’s enough reasonable doubt to throw out the idea that this person is your true match. You’re just afraid to be alone, and you think you can make this work.
But, of course, you can’t.
Your true soulmate isn’t likely to show up while your heart is otherwise engaged, even at a superficial level. Plus, you’re really using the un-soulmate at that point — in the same way that they’re using you when you’re ready to commit and they’re being cagey.
It’s not fair to them, or to you, to use someone else out of fear of being alone, because the person you want is unavailable, or because you are afraid there’s not a soulmate out there for you.
The truth is that we probably have at least as many un-soulmates as we have un-birthdays. That doesn’t mean that we should try to keep every person who walks into our lives because we’re afraid of the alternative or we’re tired of waiting. There likely is a person out there for us, but it’s hard to go find that out when we insist on trying to make the un-soul mate work.
Like un-birthdays, un-soulmates are a dime a dozen. They can be fun for a while, but you eventually tire of junk food when what you long for is soul food. It becomes apparent that there’s no true satisfaction to be had by sticking with the substitute.
Once we realize that, we just might be ready for the real deal.
Crystal Jackson is a former family therapist who now spends her days writing. Her work includes blog posts, poetry, short stories, children's books, and literary fiction. You can connect with Crystal on Facebook, Instagram or Medium at CrystalJackson.writer.