What You Want Versus What You Need In A Relationship, Based On Your Personality Type

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Want vs Need
Love, Self

What we want (or think we want) in a relationship and what we actually need from our relationship are a bit different. It can get confusing, though, because they tend to overlap.

Sometimes what we want and need do end up being the same thing. But let’s be real, we often think we want one thing and ignore the things we truly need because we don’t want to feel weak and vulnerable (everyone seems to have a superhero complex).

I mean, let’s be honest — most us want romance, love, and well, satisfying physical intimacy. We want to be hot for our partner, to feel that rush of excitement that most of us describe as “love.”

But the reality is that a lot of these feelings don’t last. Eventually the excitement wears off a bit, the physical aspects are a bit less hot, and we end up in a bit of a rut. It’s normal and in its own way, beautiful (a rut just means you got THAT comfortable with someone).

But ruts are relationship strains and it’s important to know what you NEED from your partner because in the long run, it’s all about who complements you and your lifestyle best. Who will support you through the remaining stages of your life? Who will never give up on you? Truly, THAT is love.

Depending on your personality type, we are all going to want (and need) different things from our relationship.

It’s baffling to me, but for some, the physical and romantic parts of a relationship are less important than the aspects that help them grow as a person. And for others, all they need in a partner is emotional support and a good romp or two in the sack a week (I feel that).

Take the personality test, find your personality type, and see what you’re likely to want from a relationship as well as what you secretly need:

1. The “Architect” (INTJ)

For this cold, calculating and logical personality type, when it comes to romantic relationships, they think they want intellectual respect and understanding. And, well, they probably really do. However, no one is as non-feeling as the INTJs think they are.

The reality is that the “architect” personality type needs a good mix of intellectual respect, understanding, AND emotional support (emotional support isn’t something they think they need though). The ideal situation for them is when all these things can be incorporated together.

For such a logical and calculating personality type, it’s important for them to work with their partners to distinguish between practicality and emotions. It’s also important for them to understand that emotions are generally not logical and shouldn’t always be approached as if they are.

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2. The “Logician” (INTP)

The “logician” personality type wants their romantic relationships to look like an “adorable couple” movie montage filled with flirty excitement, fun, and ultimate romance. And, I mean really — can you blame them? If only we could all live in a romantic movie montage with our significant other forever *sigh*.

What the INTP personality truly needs in a relationship (especially a long-term committed one) is to find a balance between the logical and the emotional in all areas of the relationship. Because the INTPs tend to be more logical than emotional, they tend to struggle with meetings their partner’s emotional needs, which eventually brings up conflicts. It’s important for them to communicate and agree on a balance in this area early to avoid conflict later.

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3. The “Commander” (ENTJ)

The ENTJ personality type desires their relationship to look like two best friends who happen to be in love. One of their biggest desires in a relationship is to be able to have open and honest discussions that lead to growth as individuals and as a couple.

What the “commander” personality type needs is to accept that it’s okay to relax with your partner instead of constantly working to improve everything. Constantly trying to improve yourself gets exhausting. This personality type could do with a little relaxation and taking time to just BE with their partners more often (intimacy is important too).

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4. The “Debater” (ENTP)

The ENTP personality type wants an open and honest relationship that focuses on two people who love each other and want to grow as individuals (and as a couple). They see an ideal relationship as one that allows them to say everything they want to say openly and to still be loved.

The “debater” would do best to be able to be more emotionally sensitive to their partner’s needs, however. Not everyone can handle their level of honesty and lack of feeling.

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5. The “Advocate” (INFJ)

The “advocate” personality type seeks a romantic relationship that makes them feel as if their life has meaning. The emotional connection is where it is at for this personality type, they can even handle a mediocre sex life if there is a spiritual connection.

What the INFJ personality type needs in a relationship is a partner who won’t take advantage of their kind nature as they don’t like being manipulated AT ALL.

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6. The “Mediator” (INFP)

The biggest desire for the dreamy-eyed “mediator” is a picturesque romance akin to that of Romeo and Juliet, Noah and Allie, and Lilly and Marshal. Their biggest desire is for a perfect relationship with their “soulmate” (they are very likely to believe in such things). INFP’s desires a connection that is intense and deep. To them, they feel that love is being truly understood. Making up only 4% of the population, “mediators” are often hard to peg and feel the most in love when they feel that someone truly “gets them”.

What the “mediator” truly needs is someone that understands how they work (and is always willing to learn more) and helps them feel understood.

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7. The “Protagonist” (ENFP)

For the “protagonist” personality type, the biggest wish in a relationship is for both people to make their partner’s happy and to help them fulfill their goals in life. The ENFPs would do well to be sure that their relationships are a good balance of give and take, however, the extent to which they strive to make their partners happy can sometimes overshadow their own happiness.

Since the long-term goal for ENFPs is for a relationship where each makes the other happy, it would be wise to make sure that they’re working towards this goal actively as a couple.

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8. The “Campaigner” (ENFP)

The ENFP personality type wants a relationship that is exciting and spiritual. Wanting to always be exploring new ideas together and wanting to feel connected to another soul, they want the same level of excitement from their partners.

The “campaigner” needs a deep level of devotion from their partner (as in matching the excitement about the relationship frequently). Also, a well-placed compliment now and again goes a long way with this personality type.

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9. The “Logistician” (ISTJ)

The ISTJ personality type thinks they want a partner that is logical and practical. They believe that this will help them achieve their long-term goals and allow for ultimate closeness and communication ease.

However, what the “logistician” really needs sometimes is to be brought out of their shell and forced to experience new things and the emotional side of their relationship with the partner they care so much about.

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10. The “Defender” (ISFJ)

The “defender's” tendency towards overwhelming shyness tends to mean that what they want most in a relationship is to get to the point where they are 100% comfortable with each other and can just bask in the comfort and love of their relationship together.

What the ISFJ needs is someone who ensures that their goals are also being met despite the “defender's” tendency towards always taking care of others' needs first. It can be easy to get caught up in the role that the “defender” establishes as the “caregiver”. And, understandably so, this role is very important to the ISFJ. However, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need their needs and long-term goals seen to.

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11. The “Executive” (ESTJ)

ESTJ personality types tend to be straightforward and upfront about their long-term goals (even from the beginning of a relationship). So, to them, they would want a relationship that is two people with the same long-term goals coming together in mutual fondness. They would also like their romantic relationships to be practical instead of emotional as this is their preferred method of communication.

However, the “executive” personality type could stand to improve their social skills (especially ones rooted in emotions) so that they can better connect with their partners in this way as most people cannot handle every aspect of a relationship being logical and practical (that’s not very romantic after all).

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12. The “Consul” (ESFJ)

The ESFJ personality type holds romantic relationships with a high level of importance as these types of relationships are where they can receive the support and devotion that they so greatly desire. To the “consul,” the best part of a romantic relationship is feeling supported, loved, and adored. They like to be showered with gestures and compliments.

More than gestures that let them know that they’re appreciated, however, the ESFJs need to know their partner is behind them 100% (doubts in this department can be relationship killers for them). They also could do well with a partner that keeps their tendency towards neediness in check. Making sure that they are not compromising their own values for the sake of approval.

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13. The “Virtuoso” (ISTP)

The ISTP personality type prefers to live life day-to-day, always ready to change things up and experience new things. Basically, their biggest desire in a relationship is for it to be exciting, fun, and, preferably, quite sensual.

However, the “virtuoso” personality type could grow (and have a better relationship) if they worked through some of their initial panic with the idea of consistency in a relationship since long-term relationships can’t always maintain the same level of spontaneity and fun. They could also stand to work with their partners by expressing their feelings better in hopes of a more intimate relationship.

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14. The “Adventurer” (ISFP)

The ISFP’s tendency to need life to be exciting and spontaneous make them hesitant with long-term relationships. Can you say, “commitment issues?” For them, they always want to be able to always wonder “what’s next?” This is true of even their relationships. For them, they want their relationships to always be exciting (which, admittedly, is hard to maintain for too long).

Once the “adventurer” is in a committed relationship, they could stand to get better at planning. Everything can’t always be spontaneous and it’s important that they work with their partners to comfortably develop this area, together.

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15. The “Entrepreneur” (ESTP)

For the ESTPs, their biggest wish for a relationship is one that is very physical and exciting relationship. They want a partner who is always ready to go on an adventure with them. They don’t like just talking about things, they want to go out and DO things!

For “entrepreneurs” that can make it into a long-term relationship, they could stand to get better at long-term planning and getting an emotional connection (especially in their sex lives).

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16. The “Entertainer” (ESFP)

The ESFP personality types want a relationship that is fun and exciting that can be fully enjoyed for as long as it lasts.

For “entertainers” that end up in long-term relationships, it can be helpful for them to work on being able to handle criticisms better and to be less manipulative in general.

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Nicole Bradley-Bernard is a writer who needs coffee more than she needs anyone’s approval. She enjoys putting bright colors in her curly brown hair, spending time outside on cool days and being with her partner in life, Eric, who she considers a continuing source of inspiration.