27 Failed Dating App Opening Lines You Should Probably Avoid At All Costs

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 Failed Dating App Opening Lines

Not really succeeding in breaking the ice.

I know exactly what you're thinking when you get a notification on your phone from a stranger sliding right into your DM. There's nothing worse than getting a creepy message, especially on a dating app like Tinder. You can just be looking to have a good time but there's always that one person that takes it too far and you have to ignore them or sometimes even block them.

But hey, we've all been there.  

You can stumble upon a cute girl or guy, and send a flirty pickup line or sweet message thinking things are going to go according to your plan. And then boom! The first message they send you is already a red flag. Being too forward is the quickest and easiest way to ensure that you'll get ghosted or blocked. 

It's always so easy to find a person online if we're going only on their looks but many fail to realize that a Tinder first message is the real first impression. Your cute online crush can turn into a real creeper in just one line. 

Here, a few failed dating app opening lines that you should probably avoid at all costs. 

1. I can’t wait to tell my Mom about you!

2. Maybe we’ll start messaging on here and then go out and hit it off and end up together for all time? You could be my “Forever Wedding Date!” Which would definitely be a step up, as my current “Forever Wedding Date” is a vape pen.

3. How’s your week going?

4. This could go several ways but to be honest my money is on either not hearing from you to begin with or us ghosting on each other at some point down the line, at which point I will spend way too much time and mental and emotional energy wondering what I did or did not do that set things on the path toward the ultimate result of communication cessation. Isn’t online dating and dating in general just the best?

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5. What are your views on salad? Because I just spent the entire time it took me to consume a salad thinking about what kind of junk I’m going to eat tonight to offset my responsible and non-gluttonous lunch choice. But anyway how’s your day going?

6. I think people should always lead with something more than “Hey.” I mean, like, put some fucking effort into it, you know?

7. I think you and I should hang out and try to take over the world. You’d be the brain, and I’d be Pinky, because my penis is the size of one. I’m kidding. But seriously.

8. Hey, I’m Scott. Do you find it strange or amazing that we can now, because of apps like this one, digitally meet the person who will potentially be the love of our life while we’re hanging out in a bathroom stall at the office, taking a break from work? I mean, I guess that was possible in the past but I reckon it’d be much less likely — and even weirder — to meet the love of your life in an office restroom if you weren’t using an app.

9. I think it’s pretty cool you’re the person at the party who can be found hanging out with all the dogs. Maybe someday you can come over to my place and meet my pets. I hope you have a decent imagination. Because they are stuffed animals.

10. Just FYI, the only way I would ever ghost you is if I were actually dead.

11. I bet you like avocados and sarcasm.

12. Those are some cool beach pictures! I have been to the beach before as well. I thought it was pretty fine. I will say though that I’m mostly ambivalent about long walks on the beach. I would take one with you if that was what you really wanted to do, but I’m more into, like, moderate mileage when it comes to strolling by the sea. Not that it’s not picturesque, but sand isn’t the easiest to walk on. Also, have you ever seriously thought about how completely frightening and intimidating the ocean is? It could end us all at any time, plus there are probably aliens living down in the depths.

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13. Your profile is like the 87th I’ve come across this week that emphatically lists how much you love to travel. So this is the 87th message I’m sending this week confirming that I too enjoy traveling whenever I have the chance. Wanderlust is totally dope!

14. Hey, sorry, I don’t think it’s going to work out. I didn’t want to be that guy who matched with you and then just never sent you a message, but I swiped right having only seen your first photo, and didn’t see the image of you eating pizza with a fork and knife until I got the notification that we matched. It’s a deal-breaker for me, to be honest. JUST KIDDING! HA! I wasn’t being honest at all. I’m so alone that I pretty much don’t believe in deal-breakers anymore. I’d still totally love to get to know you even though you eat pizza like a weirdo (and the megalomaniac who runs the country we live in lol). Hope to hear from you!

15. You ever think about marriage?

16. What’re you doing on Friday night? Want to hang out and stare into the abyss together? Unless of course a weekend first date violates some kind of rule you have, which is totally understandable.

17. Does love at first sight apply to pictures? Because if so I think I’m in love with your friend in that one picture of the two of you where you’re at, I think, a high culture museum of some sort. Any chance I can get her contact information?

18. Sometimes I feel like I am an unreliable narrator in my own life story. Know what I mean?

19. Are you the girl of my dreams? I sure hope so, because the last person I met on this app is someone I ended up dating for like two years and change, even though she ended up being the woman of my night terrors.

20. Just so you know, my man breasts aren’t as large in real life as they look in my photos. It’s like the camera adds 10 pounds right in that area on me for some reason. I don’t want to show up and unpleasantly surprise you by not looking like I do on the app. That’s not cool.

21. How was your weekend? I spent mine brainstorming what tattoo I can get to cover up the one I have that prominently features the name of my ex. Any ideas? I’m definitely open to suggestions.

22. You’re not married are you? If so, what are your thoughts on ethical non-monogamy? OkCupid indicates to me that that is a thing.

23. What have you been up to on this snow day? I’ve been working on my Boner Jamz playlist. You can follow it if you have Napster.

24. I’ve never seen someone say they like a well-organized man, but I can dig it, because I am a well-organized man in many ways. For example, I have a folder on my phone where I curate all the dating apps I use. It’s called “Don’t die alone!”

25. Hello. I hope this finds you well. My name is Scott, and I’m looking for someone to love more than I love mayonnaise. I have been on various apps including this one for years and have yet to find this level of love.

26. I’ve been told that my natural scent is akin to the inside of a Panera Bread.

27. Hey.

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Scott Muska is a writer from Pittsburgh who lives in Brooklyn. He thanks you for taking the time to read some of his stuff, and you can get in touch with him at srm5082@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.

This article was originally published at P.S. I Love You. Reprinted with permission from the author.