14 Sad-But-True Reasons He's Not Having Sex With You

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boyfriend won't have sex with you
Heartbreak, Sex

Yeah, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Though no one will ever admit it, there’s a good chance that someone you know is struggling with a sexless relationship. Around 10 percent of all relationships will have a dead bedroom at one point or another. Sex issues are also a leading cause of breakups, too. It may even be happening to you.

Speaking as someone who’s been a relationship writer for years, I’ve heard girls talk about men they’re dating who stopped having any interest in sex whatsoever. They’re baffled, hurt, and confused.

They want the relationship to work, desperately, but the truth is that there’s one thing they often want even more than the relationship to fix itself: they all want to know why.

Honestly, I don’t have all the answers for these girls. My advice for when your boyfriend won't have sex with you always is that you should leave, since clearly, he doesn’t care enough to want to keep you happy.

However, that advice doesn’t explain the “why” of the question. So, if you’re wondering why your boyfriend might not want to sleep with you, here are the most common reasons that may have happened.

1. He lost attraction to you, through no fault of your own, and now is too cowardly to actually talk about it.

Anyone who’s ever experienced this firsthand knows it’s painful. One moment, you’re totally into them, the next, POOF! All attraction just went out the window. It can and does happen.

The problem is, you can be unattracted to a person sexually but still love them. A lot of guys don’t know how to break it off, so they end up just staying without wanting sex.

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2. Antidepressants or other meds messed with his hormones.

The wrong meds can cause sex drives to dip. In women, it often happens with birth control. With men, it’s usually antidepressants that are to blame. Either way, this is totally fixable with a trip to the doctor.

3. You let yourself go, and he's just not into you anymore.

Just because you’re taken doesn’t mean you can be a slob. You need to work on yourself to keep that spark alive; otherwise, just about everyone would lose their attraction to you.

4. He wasn’t actually ever into you, but wanted to use you for gain.

Ladies, this happens. It happens with gay men who marry women, with guys who need a sugar mama, and others. Don’t think you’re exempt from it just because you’re female. Once again, it’s not your fault, but this possibility is all the more reason to dump his ass.

5. He’s depressed.

Depression and other forms of mental illness are often reasons why your boyfriend won't have sex with you and why guys lose interest in sex. Or, really, everything. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to get excited about things you enjoy, even if it’s sex.

6. You did something that made him resent you.

A lot of women who lose interest in sex with their partners lose interest because they started to resent their partners for not doing chores, constantly needing care, or something similar. The same thing can happen with men, you know. Either way, if resentment’s there, the relationship is usually dead on arrival.

7. He’s actually asexual.

Asexuals can be romantically into a girl, but not sexually into her. If he’s asexual, nothing you can say or do will get him in the mood, even if you are the very vision he has of being “wifey.”

8. He refuses to have sex with you because he knows it hurts you.

Yes, there are people out there like that. Yes, they do it because it makes them feel good knowing that someone wants them so badly that they’ll cry over it. Yes, this is a form of abuse when it’s done with that intention. Yes, you need to tell him to hit the road.

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9. Sex has turned into a weapon or negotiating tool for him.

This is also abuse. Affection, once weaponized or commoditized, is no longer affection. It’s manipulation, pure and simple.

10. There’s someone else involved.

Most people who have been cheated on will notice an uptick or a sudden plunge in the amount of sex they’re getting. More often than not, ladies will notice a sudden drop in the amount of sex their cheating men want to have.

Why? Because too many guys tend to be lazy, and as long as they get their rocks off, they don’t typically care who it’s with.

11. He’s got poor confidence in the bedroom.

Yes, it’s true. Some guys lose their ability to perform because they’re really worried that they can’t actually get you off. Unlike most of the other reasons, this is actually fixable as long as you both are willing to talk about it.

12. Low testosterone killed his sex drive.

Men can have hormone problems as bad as women can. With men, a drop in T often means that they won’t be interested in having sex, may feel irritable, and also may lose some strength, too. If he can’t have sex with you, you might want to get him to a doctor to find out what’s up.

13. He works extremely long hours in a high-stress job, and is too tired.

Yes, once in a blue moon, this is the case. However, it also could just be an excuse not to have sex, especially if it’s a regular occurrence.

14. He’s got a Madonna-Whore Complex and can’t see himself sexing you.

It’s possible for a man to respect you too much to actually see him having sex with you, and that’s primarily thanks to the Madonna-Whore Complex. Basically, guys like this see women in two categories: chaste (respectable) and sluts (not respectable).

This unhealthy, misogynistic attitude often comes with other problems as well, which is why it should be a dealbreaker for you.

I just want to point out that wanting sex doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you unreasonable. If he’s not fulfilling his side of a relationship, you’re totally right to walk away from the relationship. After all, your needs matter and you deserve a partner who loves you enough to see that. 

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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she's not writing, she's drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.