The Truth About Sexless Marriage
How much sex should married couples have? Experts sound in on sexless marriage and long-term love.
Jennifer (name changed) didn't have sex with her ex-husband on their wedding night. "I chalked it up to fatigue," she says. But should it have been a red flag? Well, maybe. Read: 12 Relationship Red Flags
It's not that it didn't happen that one night that was the problem; it's that it was the first of many sexless married nights. As an engaged couple, Jennifer and her fiancé were doing it about three times a week, but once they said their vows, it quickly dwindled to about once a month—sometimes less.
Some experts call marriages that average 10 rolls in the hay per year or less "sexless," but other experts take the word more literally, like Susan Yager-Berkowitz, who coauthored (with her husband) Why Men Stop Having Sex: The Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships and What You Can Do About It.
"If a couple is content with intimacy less than once a month, and happily married, I doubt they would refer to themselves as having a sexless marriage… and neither would we."
Dean Mason, who runs the website, FixYourSexlessMarriage.com, agrees, "Each person defines what his or her sex threshold is." Read: Rabbi's Rx For Sexless Marriage
But even if there's no perfect definition for a "sexless" marriage, everyone seems to agree that they're common. Newsweek estimates that about 15 to 20 percent of couples are in one, and sexless marriage is the topic of myriad new books—like Yager-Berkowitz's—and plenty of articles and columns. Back in 2003, Newsweek's cover blared, "We're Not In the Mood," and the story hasn't gone away. This June, The New York Times reported that about 15 percent of married couples had not done the deed in the past six months to a year.
It's not a given that a couple's bedroom activity will fizzle over time—we all know a randy couple who've been married for decades—but any number of factors could start the tailspin. Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, lists these as the most common causes of sexless marriages: one partner had their feelings hurt or got turned down too many times, one got too busy or neglectful, or one or both partners has a communication problem of some sort.
Judith Steinhart, a clinical sexologist in New York City, is yet more specific: "Problems in a marriage [like] lack of trust, anxiety, financial issues, misunderstandings, pressure from children, all can impact a couple's sexual patterns." The question, of course, is whether refraining from sex causes other problems, or if the other problems stop the sex in the first place?
Discussion
THERE IS NOTHING LIKE SHY, ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DISCUSS IT WHICH I BELEIVE IS THE BEST. SINCE IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
After five years together our sex life has taken a serious nosedive. We can go 9 weeks without intimacy and I seem to be the only one bothered by it. We have discussed it and it seems to get us no where so with him against going to counseling I am stuck trying to figure out where to go from here.
I would recommend three things:
1) No matter what, go to counseling yourself. Even if he doesn't come with you, you can either learn tools to help him change or get help with your own feelings and decisions. I recommend the books Divorce Busting and How to Change your Man for some ideas on this.
2) Try to figure out what is going on in his life that has killed his sex drive and try to help him. Is he overtired and stressed from work? Is he clinically depressed? Is he not getting enough exercise? Is he feeling pressure to have sex and therefore not wanting it? If it's stress, you may be able to listen to his problems or help him get sleep and have more free time. If it's fatigue, try to help him get more sleep, but also make sure you are going to bed at the same time, etc. If it's health, you can try to get him to do some fun physical activity with you. Talk to him and try to find out what's going on with him.
3) Set up times when you have fun together. Go on dates. Take a trip or overnight somewhere, if you can afford it. Build intimacy and opportunity.
My husband decided to tell me he didn't want sex with me anymore, in 2001. Now, he told me it was a power thing. I've watched him have a nervous breakdown (45 yrs old), July, 08.He announced that he wanted a divorce. For a year, we were living sexless. From 2001, we had sex just a few times a year, without any mention of his '01 declaration. He was having pain and blaming me...until I insisted he see a doctor. After surgery in January, we were told he had testicular cancer. After radiation, he had totally isolated himself from me. To say that "if we had sex again, I would draw him back in an he couldn't show any emotion to me, or he would loose it at his job". We were three years away from retirement. He left me in June. Our attorneys are now controlling our lives. I'm so twisted around that I now know he is on anti-psychotic medication. I've been totally helpless and powerless. Sickness and Health. I really thought he loved his job for 17 years - new boss and he hates him. His work was a wall between us, he wouldn't relax and have fun anymore.
me and my husband have been married 4 11yrs but we lived 2gether b4 that so we have acctually been 2gether for 22yrs and sex use 2 be great now it is like a chore you have 2 schedule in somewhere along the line we lost that intimate connection and it seems harder 2 get it back so people need 2 really work on there relationships
I would like to have sex with my husband at least every other day, but we hardly ever feel the urge at the same time;he says go- i say not now;I say go and he says not now,or 'tommorow' and tommorow can easily turn into aweek later! He is very obese, and I have to do most of the work! And- always the same old position,because there is only one that he can do-so, its like he's passive & I have to create all the action- its better than nothing- but he is preety much a passive participant.I feel frustrated and boredwhen it finnally does happpen.Any suggestions from somebody in a similar situation would be appreciated,Pam R.
It sounds like part of the problem is his health. Maybe you can help him to get moving, even if it's just a walk around the block with you. Exercise may not make him thin, it could give him more energy and make him want sex more. Also make sure he is getting enough sleep and doing something to reduce stress.
If he hasn't had a physical lately, you should have him get one. Ask them to check his cholesterol, etc. Problems with circulation affect your heart and your ability to get an erection.
In the meantime, you could try to create more opportunities by making sure you are both well-rested and happy and going to bed at the same time. You can try to do things for him and listen to his problems to get him in a good mood. You can watch movies that you think will get him in the mood. You can try to create opportunities for morning sex when he is most likely to have higher testosterone. It sounds like he has a low sex drive, so you may have to try to be in the mood when he is.
Two other thoughts - 1) there may be only one position that works for intercourse, but no matter how large he is, he should be able to use his hands and mouth on you. It seems to me that you two could do interesting and new things in other ways.
2) can you masturbate with him helping in some way? That might help you feel release and it might end up getting him interested, too.
I am one of those that love just stop its true that if you do not work on your relationship
on some kinda of level or be honest and comfortable , I try so hard in many different way .
Now I am starting over again . But I can relate the one thing I want to say don't stop trying .
Especially if the other person is trying too. Never give up hope.
BookMama I so agree with you. Sex, like everything in a marriage, can ebb and flow when there's increased stress, pressure, kids etc and that's not a cause to think you're headed for divorce. If you don't panic but instead communicate things can get better and fall back into their natural rhythm.
As soon as sex is put on the back burner relationships really start to go "downhill"...Advice: ladies & gents please do not just put it off with an "I'm Tired" or "busy"....sometimes you have to take one for the team. Be inventive....try to spice it up and vary positions, locations, etc...predictability is anti-sexy!!!!
I really like this article and the way it recognizes that a couple who is having less sex than the norm is not necessarily "sexless."
Another thing to take into account when you're worrying about sexual frequency is life stage. For example, having a lot less sex after a baby is born isn't unusual. It's important to make time for each other to re-connect and to keep touching and snuggling, but you don't necessarily have to run to therapy if you go a few months without sex.
I think we are going to see a higher percentage of couples with a low frequency of sex as Americans age.
You're not alone. I liked it as well. Lets face it, even before this current economic crisis, us Americans tend to live some pretty fast paced lives, and scheduling time with your SO can often go by the wayside (especially for guys).
Addressing issues sooner than later is always better. They are definitely easier to fix when they don't have months(or years in some cases) of built up resent and angst.
