People Who Feel Forced To Cut Off Family Members Almost Always Have These 10 Reasons
Pexels | Unsplash I've been seeing individuals of all ages in my consultation room for over 25 years. I hear about all kinds of emotionally distressing situations that are due to a variety of triggers, but one of the greatest sources of pain is being cut off by family members.
Regardless of the reasons, people who are cut off feel shame, confusion, stress, and sometimes even depression and a feeling of being disempowered. This is particularly the case if no explanation is provided for the cutoff. Relatives may cut each other off for months, years, and sometimes even a lifetime with little to no explanation.
The following are some of the most frequent reasons why a relative is likely to cut another off or freeze them out of the family fold. This is not an exhaustive list. I am also not suggesting that cut-offs are healthy. Please keep that in mind as I enter this confusing set of family dynamics that go so dreadfully awry.
People who cut off family members almost always have these 10 valid reasons:
1. They are disappointed
Some families have a history of cutting off members when they are disappointed, angry, or experiencing other less-than-pleasant emotions toward them. Perhaps you witnessed your mother do this to her mother-in-law while you were growing up.
You then learn that cutting off relatives is an option, and you may follow suit when feeling similarly disenchanted by someone in your family circle. We all learn from what we see modeled at home.
Research found that maladaptive behaviors develop in part through learning from patterns modeled by their parents. When children witness a parent cutting off family members during conflicts, they learn that estrangement is a viable option for handling disappointment and may replicate this behavior in their own adult relationships.
2. They want to exert power and control
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In all families, there are dominant and less-than-dominant members. The dominant may lead the family in cutting off a relative simply to exert their high level of power and control. Where do you think kids learn about the playground dynamics of bullying? Bullies often exert the same modes of power and control on display in their homes.
3. They are exhausted by a toxic situation
Sometimes, family members simply get exhausted and depleted by a relative. They may feel that they have put up with certain behaviors for too long, and they may feel hopeless that things can change.
They may start by phasing out a relative and then handily placing this person on the "do not interact with" list. Everyone has their own pain tolerance level and can only handle so much.
A study of 898 estranged parents and adult children found that adult children most often cited harmful behavior, emotional abuse, or a persistent lack of empathy as primary reasons for cutting ties. People often reach this breaking point after years of trying to make the relationship work, with estrangement typically following long-standing patterns rather than temporary conflict.
4. They don't want to be reminded of the past
All kinds of family members know a lot about your history and younger self. Perhaps you don't want to be reminded of your past. How do you go about rewriting your history and changing your narrative?
One way is to shut out the family members who know all about your past. Eliminate them from your life, and you can rewrite your story without anyone letting the proverbial cat out of the bag. Avoid that relative, and your past is more likely to be left right where you feel it belongs — in the past.
5. They are loyal to a certain person
Some of you are likely forced into a situation where you have to choose between a child from a former marriage and a new partner. Or maybe you are feeling coerced into choosing between a parent and a spouse, or even a child. These are dreadful situations, but you all know someone who has been in this position. Common? Yes. Easy? Certainly not.
Cornell sociologist Dr. Karl Pillemer found that conflicts with in-laws are among the most common reasons for family estrangement. This happens especially when someone is forced to choose between their spouse and their family of origin, creating an impossible situation where loyalty to one person means cutting off another.
6. They have perceived slights
Sometimes a set of misunderstandings occurs between relatives. If they aren't discussed, then they can build up and eventually break down relationships. Tragically, such build-ups lead to breakdowns. I have never been a fan of avoidance, but for many, the discussion is synonymous with confrontation, and avoidance is the unfortunate choice that leads to eventual estrangement.
7. There are financial issues
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Financial issues are often the source of relationship difficulties. Money may not always be able to buy love, but it sure can lead to lots of bad feelings. Consider the dynamics of a family dividing an inheritance, or what often happens when families go into business together.
While only 15 percent of grown siblings from an Ameriprise study report conflicts over money, nearly 70 percent of those conflicts are related to their parents. Inheritance disputes and disagreements over financial responsibilities can drive siblings into heartbreaking rifts that sometimes lead to permanent estrangement.
8. There's disagreement over caring for sick parents
Do you want to see a family disintegrate? Watch what happens when a set of siblings tries to share the responsibilities involved in taking a sick parent to medical appointments and/or visiting an elderly parent who can no longer take full care of himself or herself.
There are certainly families that come together and handle these sorts of situations beautifully, but this is also high on the list of reasons why you may be cut off by the family.
9. There is abuse
Unfortunately, many people have been emotionally and/or physically abused by relatives. This damage cannot necessarily be repaired. In many, but not all, of these cases, cutoffs will be the result of a lengthy set of painful interactions.
Mayo Clinic research found that adult children most commonly cut off their parents because of toxic behaviors such as violence, abuse, or neglect. For many people who experienced emotional or physical abuse from relatives, distance becomes necessary for survival and healing, even though the decision is painful.
10. The family, in general, is unable to recover from conflict
Some families simply lack what I like to refer to as elasticity. They cannot recover from difficulties and, like a rubber band, snap when stretched too far. It is my hope as a clinical psychologist to help families discuss differences and mend fences. There are times, however, when there is so much history and damage that there is little desire and energy to repair relationships.
It is my job to help individuals understand their role in family cutoffs, either as the person who is cut off or the one who has initiated the cutoff. Good luck to everyone as you try to understand your particular set of family dynamics.
Dr. Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the co-author of Teenage as a Second Language — A Parent’s Guide to Becoming Bilingual. She writes regularly for several publications, including The New York Times, Psychology Today, The Huffington Post, Yahoo Lifestyle, WebMD, and GalTime.
