The Truth About Why Guys Are Scared Of Commitment (As Told By Guys)

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Why Guys Are Scared Of Commitment
Love

Men do not have a very good reputation when it comes to commitment. Like, let's be real. Men and commitment go together about just as well as me and Spanx (read: not very well at all).

Women are often perceived as being desperate to bag a man and make him commit to her. That's why every single time you've asked a guy, "What's going on with us?" after three months of dating, he ends up looking at you like you're just minutes away from chasing after him with a rolling pin. 

While neither of these perceptions are universally true, they are a cliché for a reason: how many times have you heard a heartbroken friend reveal that her relationship ended because her man was afraid of commitment? How many times have you overheard a man call a woman "crazy" for wanting him to agree to settle down with her? 

I have definitely dated men who are afraid of commitment before. I've definitely also been the girlfriend who is like, "OMG JUST SAY I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WEIRDO."


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Then again, the shoe has also been on the other foot. I've dated men who leapt to committing to me like a house on fire, which left me either delighted or slightly panicked. Both are totally reasonable reactions, guys. Relationships can be hard, and the easy path isn't always clear.

Whether or not a man is ready to commit isn't something that we can just vastly generalize, it varies from man to man. When one guy on a first date used the word "soulmate" with me, I seriously considered pepper spraying him and fleeing from him into the night, margarita still in hand. However, when my boyfriend Rob told me he was falling for me on our second date, it just felt right. 

With that in mind, I polled a group of anonymous men to find out why men are afraid of commitment, what they think about the hype, and how they relate to the cliché and the reality of commitment. It was a fun time. 

I learned four really important things in the process about why commitment seems to chase men away:

1. It's not the commitment, it's the girl.

This is one of the most common answers I got when I talked to men about why they feared commitment.

Almost without exception, every man I polled gave me a few reasons a man might not want to "take the plunge" in a relationship.

He would then follow up those fears by explaining that very often, what a woman perceives as the man being able to make a romantic commitment is actually the fact that he is unable to commit to her. 

It's tough to be subjective in our interpersonal romantic relationships. Hell, it's borderline impossible. 

But you feel like he just won't ever commit to you, it is a tough thing, but you do need to ask yourself: is it commitment he fears, or does he know he doesn't want that kind of commitment with you?

2. Blame the baggage. 

Many men I polled are divorced. Many men I polled have been in a string of long-term monogamous relationships. 

All of them had prior experience with a romantic partner that went south. Some men were survivors of domestic violence. 

So, if a man has experienced a long, drawn-out divorce that's left him spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, that's the kind of baggage that might make commitment something he is wary of pursuing, even if he cares about you.

The same can be said for the men whose romantic relationships left them feeling jaded about romantic love.

We all have our baggage, this is theirs. 


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3. Can you say "trust issues"?  

Trust was a word a lot of men used when I asked them about fear of commitment.

Every man polled seemed to understand that a commitment is founded on trust — that's a pretty awesome start! Glad we're all on the same page. 

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However, men who suspect that their girlfriend is cheating, or men who have been cheated on before, can find it harder to trust their partners, which makes them unable to make that big leap to a more serious commitment, like marriage. 

You don't have to be a cheater or a suspected cheater for a man to not trust you.

His own baggage, and/or any lie you've told him (no matter how big or how small) could affect how much he is able to trust you, and how quickly. 

4. He's just not ready to make a commitment. 

Some of the men I polled were quick to tell me that a "woman would have to be pretty special to get me as her man when I'm in my sexual prime."

Yeah.

That's bro for you: he isn't afraid of commitment; he just isn't ready for it.

Be it immaturity or his own plans for a romantic future, commitment isn't for everyone.

Sometimes it isn't fear that's holding men back, it's an active decision that they have made

Commitment just isn't for them. 

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Want to know more about why men are scared of commitment? Read all of the responses I gathered below: