How To Hide A Sex Swing (From Nosy Family And Friends) In 8 Easy Steps

Photo: Weheartit
How To Hide A Sex Swing

So, you’ve done it! You’ve purchased a sex swing! You’ve gone ahead and joined the ranks of... the people with sex swings. It’s safe to say you’re not playing at the amateur level anymore. Congratulate yourself on your excitement, your pervy-ness, and most importantly, your willingness to hang yourself (or others) from the ceiling.

Most people don’t give it much of a thought when purchasing a swing, but in order to make sure no one crashes down to the ground and hurts themselves, you’re going to want to put a big ole eye hook in a beam in your ceiling.

By doing this, you are making a bold statement and one that most people, even in the vanilla world, can figure out.

Something big gets hooked there. Looking around your bedroom will likely yield nothing in the way of punching bags or other miscellanies that might be hung from it.

What’re they doing in your bedroom anyway?

RELATED: The 10 Best Sex Toys — According To A Guy Who KNOWS How To Play

Narrowing their eyes, clucking their tongues, and knowing exactly what you get up to in the wee small hours, getting extreme kicks out of things they’ll never understand. This is not their business. They have no right to form negative opinions based on this newly discovered information.

We all make sometimes significant concessions to friends and family in what should be our private space. Or at the very least only open to those who wouldn’t mind (or those who would immediately call “next!”) 

Humbly, I submit to you, tell them to eff off.

Hell, I get a perverse thrill out of the fact that the giant beanbag everybody loves in our guest room is a Liberator Zeppelin. Yep, that’s right, designed to have sex upon. And we really push the envelope with the two 30″ x 40″ canvas prints on the wall in our bedroom of our mutual friend Marilyn, one nude but covered and another in a corset, gloves, and stockings, taken at Desire. These are photos that would embarrass her parents more than me, so if they want to come up and get all judgy, bring it.

I’ll assume, however, that since you are reading this article, you’d like to know how to hide a sex swing.

The answer is, throw it in the closet.

(Cooper brushes his hands and walks off.)

Oh... the swing isn’t really the problem, is it?

It’s that eye hook that you ran over to Home Depot to pick up. The massive one. The one that gleams its stainless steel gleam from your ceiling, daring your guests to wonder what its nefarious purpose might be.

And it’s not like this is the 70s or 80s and you could just throw a macrame planter on that thing.

So, what’re we going to do?

Here are 8 simple steps to hide your sex swing from the rest of the world:

Step 1: Buy a sex swing.

I’m going to just go ahead and assume you have this step covered.

Step 2: Determine where to hang it.

This is important because you want to have freedom of movement, as well as floor space for a partner to stand in order to, um, put it in, slip it up, do one or two odd jobs.

The OTHER part of determining where to hang this swing is figuring out where it will best be supported. So find a stud ... then ask him to use a stud finder to find the stud in the ceiling.

Drill your hole, screw that eye hook in, and hang that swing up. Why? Because then you can move on to step three.

Step 3: Use the sex swing.

Oh c’mon. You’ve been waiting long enough, don’t you think? Your parents aren’t coming over now to inspect your bedroom ceiling after all. Hang the swing, throw your partner in it, and go to town!

This is also a good opportunity to check your aforementioned freedom of movement because you want to make sure that this thing is in the right place for real. If not, sadly unscrew that bolt and add spackle to your next Home Depot shopping list. Then repeat step number two.

Well, then, you’re done! Congrats, you have a sex swing that you’ve had sex in.

That’s gotta be a sexual bucket list thing to check off, right?

Wait, what? Oh. You’re not ready to tell your parents to eff off? Or the niece that likes to lay on top of all the clothes late at night on Thanksgiving? Gotcha.

Well, we can’t all be as belligerent as me. You’re probably better at that whole winning friends and influencing people thing.

So don’t worry, we’ll move on to the next phase of this project: how to hide a sex swing eye hook.

Step 4: Buy a smoke detector.

This one is easy. And remember that this thing won’t be actually used, so don’t read the box to find out all of its features. The only burning it’ll be detecting will be coming from your loins in that Skinemax-like way.

Just head over to your local dollar emporium and pick yourself up the finest piece of crap smoke detector you’ve ever seen.

RELATED: How To Get Through Airport Security Checks With Sex Toys

Just make sure it’s as deep as your eye hook’s eye.

Step 5. Break that smoke detector.

Open that bad boy up and take out its guts. You don’t want to have to change the stupid battery on this thing or spend an eternity trying to ignore its incessant chirping.

Pull out as much of the electronics inside as you possibly can. Drill a hole in the center with that same drill bit that you used to start the hole in your ceiling.

Step 6. Attach the smoke detector to the ceiling.

Line up the holes (something you should be relatively good at, being non-monogamous) and screw that thing up. (Something else you should be... never mind.)

Odds are, that eye hook in the center is going to be more than enough to hold the smoke alarm in place, but if not, go ahead and use the screws that came with it.

Step 7. Have sex in the sex swing.

Go ahead and do this again to celebrate. Also to make sure the shell of the former smoke alarm doesn’t crash down upon you.

Step 8. Hide that sex swing!

Throw the sex swing in the closet (or possibly the laundry first... depending on how filthy you are and how washable that swing is) and put the top of the smoke alarm onto the base, hiding the eye hook, and creating a perfect camouflage.

No one will be any the wiser.

You know, except that firefighter guest who notices there’s no red light to indicate that it's working.

But then, you could always show him its true purpose.

And seduce him. Just a suggestion.

Listen now: You’re all sexy and sophisticated human beings, You understand your sexuality and you enjoy both giving and receiving pleasure. Once you’ve figured all that out about yourself, where do you go? What do you do next? On this episode of Life On The Swingset: The Podcast, we talk about how to best accessorize your sexy life, from dildos and vibrators to rolls of saran wrap and condoms to Liberator throes and sex furniture.

Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist who has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud

YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.