If You Can't Commit To Loving Him No Matter What, Let Him Go

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radical acceptance

Honestly, if you can’t love every single aspect of your partner, you may as well just break it off now. Love should be unconditional. Sure, things in relationships and things your partner does will bother you from time to time, but if you let those annoyances affect how much you love him, leave him.

There is no point in holding on to something you’re not 100 percent sure about. This means total and complete love. It means unconditional love no matter what life issues and what challenges are thrown at you.

There are times when my partner is being so irritating or self-centered that I feel like I’m going to scream. I want to run away and never speak to him again. But I don’t. I choose to love him because he is my one and only. I stay because I love him without consequence.

As Andrea Miller tells us in her new book Radical Acceptance, you have “to just love him.” Even in the moments when you think you cannot stand to be around him for another second because he is being such a wretch, you have to just love him anyway.

“Loving your partner without judgment is the ultimate gift you can give them — and yourself,” Miller writes. So, if you can’t commit to just loving him, let him go. Seriously. Here's why.

1. It’s challenging but rewarding.

Learning to radically accept someone for who they are no matter what is a huge ask. It’s so much simpler to just run away and never look back as soon as the going gets tough. But that won’t deliver you the lasting love you crave.

Loving all of him is step 4 in Miller’s book. It may be the most challenging, but rewarding of all: "Love All of Him — Even the 'Unlovable' Parts: There is no such thing as meeting him halfway when it comes to Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance means you always have his back, even when he is wrong. Radical Acceptance is unconditional love — even when it feels unbearably difficult, when you feel deeply hurt or disappointed, or when you feel he is at fault.”

If you can’t let go of disappointment or you allow yourself to let the bad outweigh the good, what is the point of being in the relationship? The only love worth having is one you cannot live without.

I’m not saying you have to make excuses for him or allow him to treat you badly just because you’re radically accepting him. I’m saying you have to radically accept each other no matter what and love each other enough to grow and learn. It’s not about changing someone to fit the bill, it’s about loving them enough to mature together. If you can’t, let him go.

2. The lovable parts are always the easy parts.

Learning to love someone for every and all things is complicated. On the one hand, you love all the good things, but on the other, it’s hard to overlook his flaws. We’re often tempted to want to change him or make him better. What we should be doing instead is growing together and learning to love each other as flawed human beings.

“Loving the lovable parts of your partner is easy. He’s funny, charming, smart, successful, and kind. He’s perfect. Except for when he is not. Like when he is late. Or short-tempered. Or impatient. Or lazy. Or he has just loaded the dishwasher incorrectly (again). Maybe he suddenly feels like the most frustrating person on the planet. Or maybe you’re simply not feeling heard or seen. Or loved enough,” Miller writes.

Instead of letting these things tear you apart, use them to learn. Use them to grow. If him doing lazy, self-centered things can make you love him less, that is not a good sign. A strong, everlasting relationship comes only when you make the commitment to stick it out.

It doesn’t matter how many times he messes up the dishwasher, is whining about wanting to watch sports, or loses his temper with you: You have to love him enough to stay. You have to love him enough to tell him what is upsetting you. And he has to love you enough to do all the same things for you.

3. Love is what makes the world go 'round.

Above all, you should never stay in a relationship with someone who you are not wholeheartedly, over-the-top insanely in love with. Your love for this person should come first. If you don’t feel that way, end it. It’s not worth it. A true, amazing, worthwhile love will be one that puts love on a pedestal. That is radical acceptance.

As Miller writes, “Radical Acceptance is about recalibrating the importance and value of love — for ourselves and for others. It is a call to action to elevate love and togetherness to their rightful high-priority status in all people’s lives.”

"Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love" by Andrea Miller is now available to order online.

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