How To Get What You've Always Wanted In Bed

Photo: Unsplash: Jon Ly
How To Have Sex EXACTLY The Way You've Want It (As Told By Lady Cheeky)

George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

Never has this been more apropos than in communicating our sexual desires to our partner.

Let’s face it, telling your lover that you would like him to kiss you more gently or maybe even spank you a little harder can be a bit intimidating, to say the least.

However, letting your partner know how to have sex the way you want it and what you enjoy is part of having a healthy and fulfilling sex life. So unless you want to be pigeonholed into the same kind of sex for the rest of your relationship, take heed fearless friends!

Here are five suggestions to lead your partner in the right direction.

1. Try the direct approach.

You might want to begin the conversation by telling him about something you really like that he or she does (or you two do together) sexually, and then suggest the new idea.

For instance, “I’ve been thinking about how exciting it is when you give me a little swat on my rear during sex” then add, “I think I might like it if you wanted to tug at my hair a bit too."

During sex can also be a great time to show your lover what he’s doing that gets your toes curling. A well placed, “Yes, just like that!” or a simple, “I love how you’re moving...” will guide them in the right direction.

Don’t be shy expressing your pleasure. I guarantee this positive reinforcement will not only turn him on but will give him a more specific map of your erogenous zones.

2. Show rather than tell. 

Lou Paget, a Certified Sex Educator and author of How To Be A Great Lover, suggests you try doing unto your partner what you would have her do unto you.

For example, if her kissing could use some improvement, Lou suggests you start by kissing her the way you like to be kissed, perhaps anchoring your hands seductively on her neck so you can guide her in ways that please you, then ask her “show me what it feels like to be kissed by me.” Or, maybe her touch can be too rough? Feel free to take her hand and direct it in the way that pleases you, giving her approving glances as she follows your lead.

It goes without saying; your positive reinforcement when she successfully mimics your movements will be all the affirmation she needs to happily continue.

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3. Actions DO speak louder than words.

Think about it. When you bond with new friends you like to discover what you like to do together. Why should it be any different with your partner? People learn better by doing… so… DO!

For instance, if the idea of role-playing gets you going, talking about those fantasies are much easier once you’ve done it. Almost all the couples I’ve spoken with love it when their partner shares taking the lead with sex.

Start with something fun and sexy you two can laugh about later. Maybe you have a thing for firemen? Surprise him by dressing up in something red and “hot” like a fireman’s hat. Put on a fake fireplace (like the one below) and coyly ask, “Where’s the fire?”

Cheesy? Yes. But cheesy can be fun and nothing relaxes people more than a good-natured laugh.

Suggest that next time he might play the fireman and “rescue” you (wink-wink). Voila! You’ve shown him your fantasy and basically had a conversation without having a conversation!

4. Get some intimate 'education.'

Maybe your welled-up sexual desires have to do with being more experimental with the sex you two have? Maybe it has to do with creating more intimacy during sex?

Ask him to read a book with you that explores your sexuality as a couple. Maybe it’s erotica or maybe it’s instructional … whatever floats your boat. Each night (in bed) you read one or two chapters, discuss it and how it might or might not apply to you and your sex life.

This is the perfect occasion to discuss likes, dislikes and even maybe’s. It’s also a great opportunity to get you both talking about what turns you on, your fantasies and some techniques you want to try.

Excellent reads to start with include: 

If erotica is more your thing, there’s a ton to choose from. I have a particular fondness for The Big Book of Orgasms: 69 Sexy Stories by Rachel Kramer Bussel (I have a story in it), and anything by Kristina Wright and Anais Nin.

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5. Go 'lite.' 

Last but not least, try the lighter version of your desire and see how he/she reacts.

If you’re interested in trying a little bondage, start by holding his hands over his head while you’re on top to see if he likes the feeling of surrendering. Or maybe whip out the sleep mask before you introduce the idea of a blindfold. If she responds positively you can mention that maybe next time she’d like to feel her hands bound by a something silky. A plush paddle? Handcuffs? 

Interested in trying Tantra but think he might be intimidated by its mystical reputation? What could be more innocuous than breathing? Look up some simple tantric breathing exercises and choose one that works for you (e.g.; The Fire Breath). Suggest that the two of you do this exercise before foreplay to “get in the zone.”

Just by easing a simple action into your routine, you might be surprised how happy he will be to oblige … and how eager he’ll be to please.

If your partner is resistant to any of your ideas, let them know that your only hope is that you might make sex between you two more intense, fun and even more intimate.

After all, relationships take work and this is the most fun and scintillating type of “work” your relationship will ever have do.

Regardless, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that fantasies and exploring your sexual desires are an essential part of a healthy sex life. You own level of comfort with your sensuality and sexuality compliments and translates into how you interact in the bedroom. Respecting and expressing your partner’s needs in a responsible and loving way build a person's sexual confidence.

Never forget that YOU are in charge of your own sexuality and you deserve an exciting, sensual and communicative sex life!

A singular voice in the sexual health community and a body acceptance thought-leader, Elle Chase is a sought after sex education/sexuality expert for such outlets as TODAY SHOW on NBC, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, The Huffington Post, Men’s Health and Buzzfeed. Chase is also the creator of the award-winning feminist sensual images blog LadyCheeky (warning: NSFW). Her much anticipated first book, “Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life,” is available now.

A version of this article originally appeared on Evolved World.

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This article was originally published at Smut for Smarties. Reprinted with permission from the author.