What Happened When My Husband, Our Girlfriend & I Went To A Steam Room Swinger Party

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What Happened When A Polyamorous Couple Went To A Swinger Party
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Sex

There’s a monthly sex-positive swinger play party event my husband, our girlfriend and I have been going to that takes place in the local steam baths.

I’d heard about it from a partner as well as another friend and was intrigued that it sounded much more interesting, queer friendly, body positive, and inclusive than any other Swinger party we’d attended around town.

After a few months of timing conflicts, we were able to grab tickets and attend.

We had a very big moment of panic shortly after purchasing when we discovered that a couple of people we knew from vanilla life were attending and had been posting about it in the Facebook group. I wasn’t really worried about being out in regard to polyamory since we’d be in a space of everyone opting-in, but I wasn’t sure I could be comfortable in sexy space where people I knew from the outside world would suddenly be seeing me have sex.

After some panic and some discussion with my husband, Flick, I decided to be honest in advance with the I-thought-you-were-vanilla peeps about how awkward it felt. We all agreed that we would acknowledge each other once there, but stay in separate spaces as best as we could throughout the night.

When we first arrived, almost everyone was stripping down completely naked in the locker room.

I was excited to see many different body types and shades of skin represented. I opted to stay partially clothed since I’m incredibly protective of my breasts and until I know no one is going to touch me without consent (even though I was assured that wouldn’t happen there), I wasn’t risking exposure to unwelcome hands. I was happy I was wearing something when received naked hugs from aforementioned vanilla friends since fully naked hugging wasn’t quite what I was ready for yet.

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Plus, my leopard print, bows, and turquoise lace lingerie set is adorable.

Flick wrapped himself in a sarong and we headed to the cooler of the two steam rooms. My partner Declan was in the steam room with his wife and I got the chance to meet her as well as a woman he’d met and played with at previous events. It was fun to observe him in that sexy, flirty space with other women.

The organizer came in the room and it was immediately clear this was a force to be reckoned with as far as enthusiasm and engagement. She wanted to make sure everyone was having fun and talking with others as she facilitated connections between people who might want to play.  

She invited everyone into the main area for an icebreaker game called Car Wash.

In this game, people would wash each other, first asking something like, "May I soap your shoulders?" Even though icebreakers are my worst nightmare, this game is extremely clever since it gets everyone squeaky clean for playtime while simultaneously serving as an exercise in asking for consent, giving or refusing consent, and accepting another's yes or no graciously.

Since I’m not comfortable putting myself in that kind of vulnerable position until I’m more at ease, and Flick and I weren’t interested in playing with others that night, even fairly innocently, we opted to stay where we were in the steam room.

We watched another couple starting to get sexy, so I grabbed the lube and started to give Flick a handjob while we all watched each other. When the hostess came back in to check on us, she noticed we were well-occupied, and moved on. We eventually moved onto one of the massage beds in a cooler area of the venue and began to play more — blowjob for him (with a lovely assistant biting his thighs and sucking his nipples), then a flogging,

All in all, an evening well-spent.

We chatted with the organizer after. She was extremely eager to have us back, I think because we jumped into play so easily and helped others to do so, too (Declan had mentioned that things with this particular gathering sometimes took so long to get things going that the event was over before much play even started).

It was the most relaxed we’d ever been in a local play space and felt the closest to what we’d been able to achieve when we went to the Swingset retreat at Desire. We didn’t know anyone all that well, but they felt like our tribe in a way the Swinger spaces we’d investigated in the past didn’t.

Our girlfriend, Iris, joined us on our next trip, and the three of us grabbed one of the most comfortable beds when everyone else started the car wash.

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I don’t think they see a lot of strap-on and toy sex at their events because we eventually had a very large audience for our varied combinations of bodies and silicone or bio-penis in multiple orifices. Another couple asked to share the bed, and we scooched our triad over to allow for additional sexy shenanigans nearby.

So incredibly hot.

We invited other sexy friends from our Shenaniversary for our most recent trip and we formed a fivesome: Flick, Iris, Dot, Som, and I.

We grabbed space in the steam room and relaxing shoulder rubs turned quickly into making out. A few of the single guys in the room asked if they could participate, to touch or kiss, and were politely declined. Thanks to the effective social programming I've received since birth to give men what they want, I felt bad about this and was kind of distracted by that discomfort — but soft skin, wet mouths, and exploring hands quickly distracted me back.

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It was the first night I’d gone completely naked, which felt good, until I realized my nipples were having one of their, "All touch is bad!" nights.

I shrieked, ‘No no no no no!’ only to realize that it was simply someone’s back grazing my skin, not a deliberate touch. I went to our locker and put on a bra and was able to carry on with a protective layer of fabric between my nipples and misery.

We all grabbed our go bags and moved into the largest play space while others were doing car wash game. This is a great way to get the best location, especially when you’ve got a group.

I never complain when someone’s penis doesn’t want to join the party when we’re playing.

I get that bio peens are often shy, especially in a new space or with a new partner. It’s never an issue. We have hands, toys, tongues and, provided the guy isn’t sulky about it, everything is cool with me. But I do love love love the feeling of getting pounded, their hips slamming against me, and if it’s been a while, I’m sometimes disappointed when I don’t get to have that feeling (but never sulky or even mention-y about it).

There were more single guys than usual at the event and a couple of them circled our group, clearly hoping to get in on the action since we had an unbalanced number. Sure, we maybe didn’t have the same number of dudes as chicks, but if they’d checked out our go bags, they’d see we had no shortage of penises. One got a little too close momentarily, and I was about to ask him to back off when he did so himself, and we carried on.

We lay in a sweaty, spent pile for a while once we all felt sated before clearing the space for others to use if they wanted — knees wobbly and big smiles on our faces.

The late-night burgers that night were the best ever!

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Kat Stark is a geeky, Canadian, queer, bi/pansexual, feminist who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and she almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way.

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.