If You Care About Your Marriage, These Are The 6 Correct Ways You Should Be Arguing
How to prevent communication problems from destroying your marriage.
bulatovic | Canva Tough marriage conflicts can turn into a perfect storm if couples don't know how to communicate or how to fight. They can flood the streets of love with the sewage of personal attacks.
From what I’ve learned, beating up a loved one is never a fair fight. You know their deepest vulnerabilities, their most important values. This gives you the power to structure what you say in a way that cuts them down with a machete of words.
Have you ever wondered why we do this? Why we intentionally hurt the one we love? Have you ever wondered why we shut down and become “emotionally unavailable” to our partners when they confront us on something that could improve our marriage?
Emotional flooding is a major reason why humans suck at tough relationship conversations. In fact, John Gottman’s research indicates that repeated flooding in marriages is a predictor of divorce. Flooding repeatedly changes "The Story of Us," causing us to start to see our partners in a negative light. That light guides us towards the path of betrayal or singlehood.
If you care about your marriage, these are the 6 correct ways you should be arguing
1. Become aware
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I become aware that I feel like I am under attack by my partner. Sometimes I use the Instant Heart Rate iPhone App to notice how elevated my heart rate is.
During emotional flooding, our heart rate can jump up to 20 or 30 beats per minute. My average heart rate is 65 BPM, so if my heart rate jumps to the 80s while I am sitting down and having a conversation, I know my body feels like it is in a war zone.
You can also feel this in your body. You’ll feel overwhelmed. Anxious. You might desire to attack your partner. Be aware of how your body feels.
2. Assert your flooding
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Once I have the awareness I am flooded, I tell my partner that we have to stop talking because I feel like I am going to start attacking her. This isn’t easy to do, but it prevents me from eating her vulnerabilities alive.
You can say things like: “I’m losing it.” “I’m flooded and want to attack you.” “I’m getting upset.”
Research emphasizes that asserting your emotional flooding during an argument is crucial for healthy relationship communication and conflict resolution. Flooding can lead to negative communication patterns and relationship strain. By recognizing and responding to flooding, individuals can prevent conflict from escalating and potentially damaging the relationship.
3. Schedule a time to continue the conversation
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This is vital if my partner brought up the argument. When I first learned to assert my flooding, I would get the space I needed, but I would avoid the conversation next time I saw my partner. Over the following weeks, she would stew over her unresolved problems, and tension between us would increase until we fought about it again.
Committing to your partner to continue the conversation allows them to calm down and realize that you can’t control your emotions in the present moment. But they know when you can, you want to solve the problem at hand.
4. Keep a non-negotiated distance
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It’s your responsibility to calm yourself down and take care of your flooded state. This is non-negotiable with your partner. You need your space, otherwise, your words and actions are going to nuke the love right out of the relationship. John Gottman’s research states that we should take a 20-minute break and emotionally distance ourselves from the conflict.
During this time, it’s vital that you think good thoughts about your partner. It’s very easy to stay in your defensive state and stew over feeling righteous, replaying wounding words your partner said, or allow yourself to feel like a victim.
Taking a time-out allows individuals to separate themselves from the intense emotional state of the argument. This physical and emotional distance allows one to calm down, process emotions, and reduce the risk of saying or doing things they might regret later. John Gottman, a leading researcher in marital conflict, suggests that taking a 20-minute break and emotionally distancing oneself from the conflict can be beneficial.
The problem is this only escalates flooding. Instead, ask yourself what is good and true about your significant other. Focusing on the good will not only soothe your emotions, you’ll also realize that they are not out to eat you alive.
5. Note triggers
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Ask yourself what caused you to turn into a reptile. Was it a word your partner said? The way your partner moved? By noting the triggers that cause your flooding, you can help them learn how to discuss uncomfortable topics without drowning you in your own emotions.
And if you know your partner’s triggers, it’s your responsibility to not be a jerk. Don’t push those buttons.
6. Soothe each other
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Before you bring up the topic of discussion, talk with your partner about what caused you to flood. Thank them for allowing you to take space to keep the relationship intact.
Battling and becoming aware of our instinctual reactions that cause a perfect storm in love is not easy, but the more times you practice the six steps above, the easier it will become. The healthier and happier your relationship will become.
Softening the start of arguments, expressing needs and feelings, and avoiding blaming each other are crucial for healthy conflict resolution. Physical touch and reassurance can be helpful after calming down, promoting reconnection. Research suggests that a partner's calm demeanor can have a calming effect on the other, illustrating the importance of co-regulation.
Remember, when emotions become tense, love becomes nonsense. If you want your marriage to last, give it the space it needs to breathe when the fire gets too hot.
Kyle Benson is a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships.
