13 Signs You're A Dead Fish In Bed (But He's Too Nice To Tell You)

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13 Signs You're A Dead Fish In Bed

A wise man once said, "If you're not fishing where the fish are, you're just getting drunk on a boat... which is also pretty good." That man didn't have this in mind. 

Doing it is about effort, and it can more or less be anything. Forming the beast with two backs or, periodically, a beast with a back and a front — which if you think about it, is like most beasts. Regardless of how you like to euphemize your sex acts, some of you aren't pulling your weight in the boudoir.

Maybe, like the rest of us, you've been tired for the better part of a decade. Maybe you're terrified that if you don't just lie there, the rhythm is eventually going to somehow get you. Maybe you get a little something your grandma calls the "intimacy toots" and are mortified one may slip free. Maybe you push back constantly during your day job and want to just go along for the ride.

Whatever the case, here are 13 sure-fire signs that you're a cold fish in bed and he’s just too nice to mention it. 

1. Sometimes there's sweat ... it's just never, ever been your sweat.


2. When your friends discuss sex stuff at brunch, you immediately think, "Roy would never like that," when, in fact, Roy would like that very much.

3. Your personal hulahoop record is one-eighth of a rotation. 


4. It seems easier to just lie down and die than to squat for more than 4 seconds, even if it's hovering over an unsavory toilet. 

5. You've started meditating with your face in a pillow and butt in the air because it's so relaxing.


6. Approximately 1.75 times a week, it becomes very clear to you that you never have cleaned your ceiling. This is a major concern. 

7. You'd rather be eaten alive by carpenter ants than have someone walk in on you 69ing.


8. A description of twerking once made you question an unshakeable belief in a just and reasonable god.

9. You firmly think that boning music should be a cappella or, barring that, have an important and subtle political message.


10. On-the-side sex isn’t lazy, it’s the only way to enjoy The Mindy Project on iPad in bed when what's-his-face has morning wood. 

11. You have never once giggled when someone referred to Wednesday as "Hump Day."


12: Putting your legs in the air reminds you exclusively and immediately of a trip to Dr. Epstein's office that included using the dreaded stirrups. 

13. You're pretty sure that if you make eye contact with the dude on top of you, you'd both be trapped in a Poltergeist-like world of infinite yawns. 


Well, if you do any of these things, you may be a dead fish in bed. Try being an alive fish next time things get steamy in the bedroom and see what happens.