HELP! I've Lost My Desire For Kink — And Want It Back Now!

I seem to have lost my kink.

Until recently, I was loving that impact play and bondage were somewhat regular parts of my sexual repertoire, but over the past couple months, that excitement has been replaced with disinterest — and even some dread and disgust.

What? I don’t want to be THAT person!

I have no easy explanation as to what changed for me.

There’s no specific incident — certainly nothing traumatic — that explains why my desires and what I considered sexy and enthusiastic yeses shifted so much for me.

I can’t pinpoint the change happening, but the shift in my brain and cravings are demonstrated by two separate play incidents with my husband, Flick, and our girlfriend, Iris — one where they spanked me together while I got off on my Magic Wand (and which was one of the hottest moments in our threesome history), contrasted with the next dual spank-fest where I mostly just endured it because they seemed to be into it.

It’s extremely frustrating, because one of the main things I’d been excited about exploring when we started our non-monogamy journey was my unchartered kinky side. Flick and I had done a small amount of experimenting over our relationship, but it was limited in scope and hadn’t happened for approximately a decade.

When we first opened our marriage and I began online dating, I specifically sought BDSM partners.

Flick wasn’t comfortable with me meeting up with male Dominants, but he was willing to step into that role himself, and we invested in various impact toys and began to investigate kinky play in earnest.

One of my favorite early moments that combined BDSM and non-monogamy was when Flick paddled another play partner of ours, Hot Mama, and me side by side on the bed. Hearing her sighs and cries next to me was ridiculously hot and I found myself really into it.

I’ve also watched Flick with Fawn, a highly submissive woman he sometimes plays with, and the energy exchange between them was so super-hot to witness I got myself off several times as I watched.

We’ve tried the dual impact time with Iris a couple times and, although it sounded great, it's never felt right. I loved the idea in theory, but the reality left me cold and shut off. It seemed like something that would bring our triad closer, but it actually had the opposite effect and I haven’t been able to figure out why.

Since having these mixed experiences, I haven’t wanted to play that way.

When I think of them, instead of feeling sexy, I feel sick. I'm frustrated with myself, because I don’t know what changed for me. I don’t want to shame or disparage anyone else for what they’re into, but it's gotten to the point I don’t want to witness it — or even hear about it.

For as long as I’ve been thinking about these things, I'd always considered myself to be a sub. Through our investigations, I've discovered I’m actually a bottom who likes to be bossed around — to a degree — but I have zero interest in subverting my will to someone else’s.

True submission is such a real squick for me that I find myself having to fight reacting when my awesome friends and acquaintances share stories of their experiences. I never want to yuck anyone’s yum, but my discomfort with this topic now hits me somewhere deep and visceral.

A couple months ago, we were traveling and a delightful (and extremely submissive) friend offered to do a coffee service for us in the morning. She’d come over to prepare coffee in whatever outfit we picked out (or nude, if we preferred), and then serve us all.

I had what came close to a panic attack thinking about it. Nothing about it felt good. When I declined the offer, I was asked if she could still serve the two guys she's involved with, and my anxiety only intensified.

Nope! Not only could I not watch that, I knew I wouldn’t be able to look at the guys the same way ever again after seeing them enjoy it.

I hate that my own issues add this layer of judgment.

It’s so weird, because my intellectual brain knows she offered to do this because SHE likes it. It feels good to her to be submissive — to serve — but my panicky reptile brain can’t let go.

If she served us, I would only see a woman being degraded and disrespected. I couldn't comfortably be part of that degradation, even though I know it’s her choice as a grown-ass woman to embrace that and enjoy it.

We’re all full of contradictions and paradoxes. 

I know it’s common for very independent, fulfilled people to desire being submissive, and it can in fact be a wonderful break from the responsibilities of "real" life. I totally understand the appeal of letting someone else make the decisions for a while. That’s a big part of what I like about bottoming. 

I just don’t like seeing submission in others. Despite the fact I know they like it, submission looks to me like someone is being hurt, even when there's no physical play.

The more intense feelings I have for the parties involved, the trickier it gets as well.

As my feels for Iris deepened, the bruises she often sports on her delicate skin changed from "Ooh, hot! She had fun!" to "My person is hurt!" 

I had a very strong reaction to a photo Flick showed me of her bruised ass, before coming to the realization that he’d caused the bruises, after which I felt guilty about shaming him for their consensual fun. I know he’d never push her past her limits, and I know she’d have stopped him if she wasn’t fully into it — but all I could see was injury and pain.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with all of this, other than trying to process some of my feelings by writing them down.

For the time being, I’ve asked that triad playtime be "vanilla" while I figure things out. I don’t put any restrictions on the play Flick and Iris do when it’s just the two of them, but have asked that they don’t tell me about it or share pictures of after effects with me.

I know I’ll see some bruises — and cause some myself with my teeth — but these limits are what feel safe to me for now.

I’m hoping to find my way back to the sexy buzz I’d felt previously with regard to BDSM.

Flick and I are going to do some solo play and when we reviewed our ‘Open Relationship Checklist,’ and he's expressed that he’s comfortable with me exploring with other male tops now. 

Maybe having more experiences will help me resuscitate that part of my sexuality. Maybe it will just take time?

Or maybe kink was a temporary thing for me?

I hope not. I’d love to have my kinky back.

Listen now: The Swingset crew invites Miss Ami, a full-time Domme to join the discussion about what BDSM stands for, what it means to be Domme/sub, how her lifestyle impacts her life, and why swingers seem to have such difficulty feeling comfortable with those four letters. (Dylan also discovers he might be more interested in exploring this than he thought…)

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.