A Gentleman's Guide To Eating Her Butt

There's a sexual conundrum out there, one no one talks about. In general, girls love to have their asses eaten. And, in general, men have no idea how to do it.

Most think you thrust your tongue a few times rapidly, then move onto something else. After all, eating ass is generally foreplay, and he thinks that the sooner he gets from the ass to the prize (penis thrusting in orifice), the better. So he doesn't work at it. He doesn't hone his talent. This is a giant mistake.

Very few things can make a girl go wilder than a good ass-eating. Not as an auxiliary to p*ssy-eating, but as a sexual event all on its own. If you want her wet for you, give something other than her p*ssy a try: eat her ass.

1. You need to know she likes having her ass eaten.

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Most girls will say yes. And you need to ask her gently, sexily, something like, "I'd love to eat your ass. I bet it would make you feel spectacular." Once she agrees, she can go to the bathroom and do the requisite extra wipe-and-check. No one wants to eat a skeevy heinie.

2. Subtly double-check her personal hygiene.

I hate to say it. I hate to think about it. But some people may lack something in the butt-wiping department. You don't want to go down there if she's not perfectly clean. Luckily, the vast majority of women are because wiping your ass is something you learn somewhere around age three, and she's done an extra check in preparation for you.

3. Start foreplay as normal: kissing, nipple pinching and licking, boob grabbing.

Rub your hands up and down her body. Then spend some time, using your fingers, to get her a little bit wet. Not dripping, mind you (though dripping can be a good thing, as will become clear earlier), but wet.

4. Play with her clit.

Then slide your finger over her vulva and gently onto her assh*le. Spread some of the wetness around. Circle it gently, softly. Rub it back and forth. You know how you tease her with your fingers before you eat her out? Tease her like that.

5. Assume the position.

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You can kiss your way down her body, which is always a nice touch, or you can lift yourself up and move. Women generally prefer the former. Bring a pillow with you on the way, and gently place your hands on her hips to raise them up. Slide the pillow underneath her. This presents her parts to you for the easiest access.

6. Once you get down there, lick, kiss, and nibble her thighs, not her clit or vulva.

Then start circling around her assh*le with your tongue. Lick the sides of it. Slide your tongue up and down her asscrack. By now, if you're doing it right, she should be twisting and begging for you to hit the spot.

7. So finally, slowly, lower your tongue to the center of her ass.

Keep it there for a few beats. Let her appreciate having it there. Then start circling her assh*le, very gently. The key to the beginning of ass-eating is gentleness. You can get rough later. But when you first get your tongue down there, gentleness will make her more excited than roughness.

Lick the sides of her assh*le. Spread your tongue out and lap at the whole thing. Do that for a while, and she's going to be getting wetter and more excited.

Then is the time to lick harder and faster. Wiggle your tongue in the center of her assh*le. Insert your finger into her vagina, find her G-spot, and press while you lick in circle. Alternately, you can lap at her hard while thrusting your finger(s) in and out.

8. At that point, you have a choice.

She's wet and excited. If you agreed to do the deed, you can stop and slide inside her. If you've agreed to anal, you need to find the lube and gently work your fingers inside her. Then start thrusting. Once she's ready, then you can put on a condom and go in the back door.

Alternately, you can keep thrusting your fingers in and out of her vagina, and lapping hard at her ass. If you work your thumb upward and brush her clit sporadically, she'll probably come, and you'll have the distinction of being a man who can make a woman come by eating her ass. Which is a sexy distinction to have.

Above all, get her consent, watch personal hygiene, and take your time getting down there. Take your time once you're down there, too. Go slow, then go fast. Use some basic moves: wiggling your tongue, licking in circles, and lapping up and down her entire assh*le.

And make sure you have your end game worked out. Only once you've mastered this with the same partner can you get creative (not plan what'll happen next, dive right for her ass). New partner, new beginning.

Remember, most girls love to have their asses eaten. Learn to do it right — and add a valuable skill to your sexual repertoire.