Women In THIS Country Have The Biggest Boobs In The WORLD

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big boobs america

Researchers recently awarded American women a dubious prize. 

It turns out that in a worldwide study, America comes out as number one where big boobs are concerned. 

We're number one! We're number one! Build a wall around THAT! 

If you are a woman who is small of chest, don't panic. I have received word that even as we speak the Itty Bitty Titty Committee has convened for emergency strategic planning sessions. 

To be clear, this study didn't take in account who was born with big boobs, and who required surgical intervention to get their mad mama jamas up to size. 

This finding was pretty surprising to me. Then I sat back and tried to think about the last time I had seen anyone with remarkably small boobs. I couldn't remember. 

We say that boob size doesn't matter, big or small, your boobs are perfect as they are. But the truth is now being backed up by science: America loves big boobs. Its passion for tig ol' bitties cannot be tamed. I blame Karl's Junior commercials and Rush Limbaugh. Don't question my rage, just be glad you aren't on the receiving end. 

The REASON this study was conducted is almost more interesting than the results it yielded. 

"Increasing knowledge of the breast size variation of women from different countries is needed as a guideline for example for the product development and targeting of marketing actions of clothing industry and cosmetic surgery providers," researchers wrote. 

Now that our cup sizes have been filled, plastic surgeons and clothing marketers can concentrate their efforts on places like the Philippines, where there is still so much self esteem deconstruction left to be done, and all for a profit to boot. 

I want to see a breakdown of these numbers. How many women were born with big boobs? How many felt pressure to cave and increase their size? When did that start? When were they first aware that what they were born with was not enough to pass as acceptable or desirable? But of course these aren't the questions we're asking, instead research is focusing on who to market tight sweaters to next.