The Very Specific Way To Keep A Spark Lit When Marriage Gets Boring
Keep the romance alive no matter the stage of the relationship.
The Everett Collection | Canva How do we go from dating bliss to relationship happiness? The chemistry was probably spine-tinglingly electric when you fell hard and fast for your lover. There is no doubt that this was the stage of your relationship where every moment felt like rainbows and sappy love songs — a total adrenaline rush. Mind-blowing addictive intimacy, light, airy conversations, and playful teasing that always led to touches that made your toes curl ... this is the epitome of new love. Our esteemed YourTango Experts give their best advice. The panel consists of former YourTango Experts Senior VP Melanie Gorman, Author/Anthropologist Helen Fisher, Former ‘The Relationship Help Doctor’ Rhoberta Shaler, Marriage and Couples Counselor, Marcie Telander, and Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg.
But after you and your lover move out of this blissful phase, it's natural to fall into the "ebb stage." This is where spontaneity and thrills have gone the way of formulaic routines and comfortable patterns. You guys end up only doing things on certain nights of the week, you have stolen phone calls amid your hectic work schedules, and all that beautiful foreplay you used to do turned into quick predictable 'steps' that are time-tested if not monotonous winners.
This is a place in your relationship where you start feeling emotionally drained and you think, 'Well, we’ve been together for a while — shouldn’t we be moving forward in some way? What’s next? Shouldn’t we be bonding in some way that creates a future together?' As Rhoberta Shaler explains, you’ve gone straight from the ‘dating haze’ to the ‘wedding days’ without slowing down for the ‘learning phase!’ You fell in love and moved so fast that your relationship foundation is now built on shaky ground. But don't worry. We are here to help you.
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If you truly want your relationship to move from the casual to the committed, avoid repeating the same ‘dating haze’ mistakes, and create a lasting bond with your love without losing all the sparks, think about this quote from Ayn Rand, and move on from your dating fantasy into a relationship reality. “To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I’.” — Ayn Rand.
Helen Fisher Ph.D., is a biological anthropologist and Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and Chief Scientific Advisor to the dating site Match. She is the author of the book The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, among other titles. Dorothy Camp has been a massage therapist, a computer programmer eventually leading to Application Design, Project Management, and eventually ended up as a Database Analyst. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor, provided urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis for more than 30 years. She was also the host of the Save Your Sanity Podcast. Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Marcie Telander is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a life/love/relationship communication coach. She is the president of East River Counseling, Inc., an author, and TedXTalk presenter. Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is a psychotherapist, Self-Love Recovery Institute CEO, and author of The Human Magnet Syndrome.