The HARD Truth About Loving A Cancer

Cancer is a caretaker. They are homemakers and mothers, even if they are men. They have a tendency to want to nurture and care for those they care about. Even if they never want to have children, you might find them either working with kids, or volunteering around them, or even with the elderly or disabled.

When in a relationship with a Cancer, you can expect love, good cooking, a decent amount of sexin' up, and laughter.

Which brings us to humor. Cancers are funny as all hell. No, seriously they have no control over it. They have an almost inappropriate humor and they will say the off-color remark in mixed company. And if you don't like it they don't give a f*ck.

All of the truly hilarious fire signs I've met (Leo, Aries, Sagittarius) were all Rising sign Cancers. They are just naturally clowns, either with wit or with deliberately making themselves the butt of jokes and laughing with you about them. They seriously are just hilarious and fun to be around.

If you're at a wedding and the dance floor is empty, when one random person gets up to start dancing because their favorite song came on, it's a Cancer. They seriously can't deny the urge to boogie the f*ck down. Not only can they not deny it, they don't give a sh*t what they look like doing it.

They're the party starters if a dance floor is involved. And seriously, they love those group dances — Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide — doesn't matter, it's their jam.

They are the classiest broads and most old-fashioned men on the planet. The guy at the table who refuses to eat a bite until everyone has received their meal? Cancer. The woman who waits by the door of her date's car for him to open the door for her and doesn't mind looking like a bitch doing it? Cancer.

Cancers come from another time. Their era was the forties and fifties, when women coifed their hair and did their nails and ironed shirts and had babies. When men tipped their hats and laid their coats down over puddles and went to war and came home to their families. They are just old-fashioned in a manner that should be honored, even if they are one of the Cancers with inappropriate humor.

Now, as goes along with that old-fashioned manner, they are also easy to offend. You say something nasty or even off-color to them, if they don't know you're kidding or think it's funny, they will smile, nod, excuse themselves from the situation at some point and then vow to never speak to you again.

They can hold a motherf*cking grudge like it's their job, but they will NEVER tell you. The smiles will continue, but if you wrong them, you're f*cked if you were hoping to stay in their inner circle. Though they can have a serious smile on their face even if they can't stand you, they can also be set off in a manner that feels like an atom bomb went off.

When they're pissed, watch the f*ck out. A Cancer (and a Virgo) are two of the most likely signs to literally LAY YOU OUT for saying something off-color to their woman or loved one. (The difference? A Cancer will react in defense of their friend/loved one if present at the time; a Virgo will hear about it and hunt you down.)

Cancers have vices when it comes to drink and food. A good example of this tendency would be Henry VIII (Cancer). He was so fond of food and drink that he ended up a rather large fellow. He's also a good example of Cancer when it comes to how he reacted to being wronged. Learn well, son. Don't cross a Cancer — he'll have you beheaded. The word grudge doesn't even begin to cut it.

Though, again with food, they show love with it. No, really. A man will offer to buy his poorer friend dinner and then get stern with him when he says, "No you don't have to do that.” A woman will cook for you and for all those she loves, have them all over for traditional holiday dinners, Sunday dinners, doesn't matter. If she doesn't have a large family or is a younger woman, she might express this through parties and get-togethers.

They host like it's their calling. My rising sign is Cancer, and if I like you I will make you fudge for your birthday, or cookies for Christmas, or cake for no reason. I love to cook for the man I love, as I do for anyone I care about. I have felt my most positive about myself as a parent on the days when my daughter's every meal was cooked either by or WITH me, as in cookies. Yes, baking cookies with children is a very Cancer trait indeed.

Cancers know better than you. It's intended as a means of caretaking, but seriously, a Cancer will know the best course of action you should take, whether you want them to or not. And in truth, they might not be right, but by golly, they WILL tell you exactly what you should do.

They won't force you to do it, though. Coerce? Yes. Give you a hard time forever after if you don't listen? Yes ma'am. It's meant with love though, so take it in stride.

Cancers often make spectacular actors, which might have to do with how sensitive and funny they are. They'll go to that place that other people are afraid to go. They'll happily make a FOOL of themselves for the effect it will have, and this can translate into acting risks that other lesser actors won't take.

So if you're up against a Cancer in this life, let them cook for you (but don't forget to cook for them. Much like Scorpios, it can go both ways when it comes to love of food with them), let them take care of you, accept their advice even if you won't follow it, and bring them to dance floors WHENEVER possible.

I promise, if you like to laugh, they'll have you eating out of their hand. Brace yourself.