Self, Sex

The REAL Reason Sex Is Sooo Much Better With Damaged Men

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Why women prefer sex with damaged men.

Why would a woman prefer sex with a damaged man? Generally speaking, a man who's seen some hard times has a much better understanding of how his bedroom behaviors affect his partner's view of him as a whole. In short, a damaged man has learned to PAY ATTENTION!

On the other hand, an undamaged man who's known little to no hardship hasn't learned how his actions are interpreted. In short, he doesn't pay attention! To be a great (or even a good) lover a man must have the ability to put himself in his partner's shoes. A man that can pay attention to his lover's likes and dislikes will find himself in the throws of an uplifting sexual experience. Woman know that how a man acts in bed is a preview of how he'll behave in a relationship. 

So who holds up their end of the bedroom bargain better? The damaged man who has seen the ravages of the world and bare scars to show it? Or the non-damaged men who, through some miracle, have seen little to no sadness, addiction, or mental instability in their lifetime? 

To find out, I asked a handful of my closest girlfriends about their favorite sexual experiences. (These were fun conversations.)

Without leading, I found that across the board, their best romps in the sack were with men who they'd classify as "crazy," "a little nuts," or "damaged." I even heard the term "A real fixer-upper."

OK, but why? Why would someone's past trauma or mental instability make them a better lover?

These conversations shed some light on the topic. (And admittedly I've been told that I fit the mold of "damaged" or at least "a little nuts." So I may chime in with an experience of my own.) 

Let's start with the conversation I had with Rebecca, a mom in her early thirties.

1. "When we made love, I existed to him."

My friend Rebecca referred to a terrible sexual partner that boasted a "Brad Pitt Fight Club body, and a really big d*ck." (She held her hands up about as far apart as an English cucumber.) One could safely assume this was her best sexual experience, right?

As it turns out, it wasn't even close. She referred to it as "a train wreck... I just wanted it over as fast as possible. I even faked an orgasm to get him to finish faster." (Yikes. FYI ladies, faking it teaches us nothing.

Next, I asked her what about the experience was so terrible? 

She said, "Although he was sweet and knew how to handle himself, it seemed like he'd never had to work for it. You know? It was like he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing!" Well, sh*t. That just makes sense.

So my next question for Rebecca was about her best sexual experience. 

"I had a boyfriend, just for a couple weeks I think, maybe a little longer I don't know. And I don't remember exactly what drew me to him. He wasn't my type in the slightest. Kinda dark and unkept. When we made love, I existed to him. He'd look at me, see if I needed more of something, and if I didn't tell him he'd figure it out. It's hard to explain but there was something about him that made me feel like it could be the last day on earth so we better f*ck our brains out. He was definitely the most passionate lover I ever had."

2. "He HAD to be the best at everything, and that included sex."

Let's switch to my conversation with my friend Jane. She's a red-haired fiery artist type. Jane was married to a true narcissist for eight years and she experienced the mind-f*cking dichotomy of a nightmare relationship with the best sex she's had to date.

This guy had issues, and they aren't for me to dig into here, but trust, he fits the damaged mold. In short, he was never wrong, was filled with hubris, and never apologized once in eight years. Yet the sex was amazing. Do tell, Jane. Do tell.  

"I was so crazy young when I got married — 20, actually and he was about 10ish years older. I couldn't buy a drink let alone understand what kind of a man I was marrying. I was swept up in what I thought I was supposed to be doing, and to be honest, the sex was really, really good."

I asked her why it was so good:

"He HAD to be the best at everything, and that included sex. So although I didn't realize it at the time, his skill in the bedroom was more about bolstering his own ego than satisfying me. I was just enjoying my sex life with a man who knew all the right moves, and that included what to say. He really figured out what I wanted to hear, and I fell for it. To this day, it's still the best sex I've ever had. But I caught on as I got older and it takes a lot more than sex for a marriage to work."

I asked Jane a final question: Would you ever refer to your ex as damaged? 

"Damaged? Yeah, he's a twisted f*ck. I found out he was cheating on me the whole time as well. Maybe that's where he picked up some of his tricks, I don't know."

3. "Life experiences give me the ability to pay attention to my lover."

I mentioned that I fit the mold of damaged. So I'm going to put on my big boy pants and say that I've been through some sh*t. Depression pills, anxiety pills, sleeping pills — they are all part of my daily routine to keep my sanity. Am I ashamed of this? Not in the slightest. I've got to do what I've got to do.

How am I between the sheets? I hold my own. For starters, I'm not OK if my lover doesn't orgasm at least once. I pay attention to what's happening and become what they need emotionally and physically. Unlike Jane's ex, my emotions are real and pour out of me. I'm inspired by the all-encompassing passion from a real sexual connection. Something most women have seemed to appreciate. 

In the bedroom, I can forget everything that has ever happened and exist in a singular moment. Those times when the ideal bedroom bargain is met — when my partner is giving back in the same way I am — It's pure sexual healing. The best form of medicine.

Usually, I hope it never ends, because when it's over I have to go back to my own f*ucked up head. So I'll stay and please my partner for as long as they can take it. Because there's no better mental break from my troubles. 

So sex is better with a damaged man? If I'm completely honest, that statement might be an over-generalization. Sex is a complex beast; however, there's validity to the idea that woman may by majority have better sex with damaged men. There are three examples above as proof. 

Why would a woman prefer sex with a damaged man? Perhaps because our life experiences have given us the ability to pay attention to our lovers. Perhaps, it's because it's our form of healing, or maybe because we're narcissists who just want one more thing to boast about.

I'll go with the former. But going off the conversations I had, I'd say that in large part, woman do have better sex with damaged men.