Self, Sex

In Praise Of Women With Big-Ass Booties

Photo: weheartit
Confessions Of An As* Man

I like asses. No, really I do. I'm what you call an "ass man." You may have heard of guys like me but let me break it down.

The same way many guys love breasts, I'm a sucker for a great, shapely bum. Always have been, always will be. Is it a race thing? Debatable. Is it a culture thing? You bet. Is it a personal thing? Sh*t yeah. It's a wonderful thing.

Not much makes my day better than seeing a woman I fancy walk by and getting to see her switch that "thang" back and forth. To me, if you're a woman I'm digging, a phat booty is an awesome bonus.

Now, let me be clear: I don't go around looking at all women's rear ends. I'm not creepy. I've only checked out the rumps of women that I've been interested in. And I've always done so in a respectful way. I've never leered at a girl's butt at the subway station.

As far as the kinds of booties I like? Here's a rundown:

1. The J.Lo

Named after the woman who single handedly brought the gluteus maximus into the pop culture landscape, Jennifer Lopez. This kind of fanny is firm enough for the boardroom at work but bouncy enough to get a woman at least two free drinks at a nightclub and engagement proposals from men they don't even know. J.Lo is still the standard of butts for the 21st century.

2. The Scar Jo

This type of tush gets its name from Scarlett Johansson, the actress whose wonderful donk nearly got past me.... until I saw The Avengers and listened to my fellow ass-obsessed homies.

The Scar Jo caboose can be described as athletic and ample. For further reference, see Lady Gaga; she's got some junk in her trunk.

3. The "Oh, Yo!!!"

This is the butt that hip-hop mixtapes are made ofthe ass that creates or ends relationships. This booty makes men involuntarily spend entire paychecks in one night. If you want an idea of what this kind of tuchus looks like, reference Kim Kardashian, K. Michelle (pre-surgery), Elke The Stallion, and pretty much the entire female cast of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta.

Kim K. (allegedly) and  K. Michelle (definitely) had medically-enhanced cakes, but there are women out there with natural booties like theirs. Janet Jackson comes to mind and so does Kelly Clarkson.

This rump type should come with a bottle of Hennessey. You need the first half of the bottle to calm down while you look at it, and the second half to handle it when the nightclub closes. The "Oh, Yo!!!" even has a superpower: It's guaranteed to get any straight man to turn his smartphone off.