25 Things People Who Don't Give A F*ck About Star Wars REALLY Think

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Things People Who Don't Give A F*ck About Star Wars Think

I'm the worst. Here's why: I really don't care about Star Wars. New, old, whatever. I don't recall if I saw them as a child of the early 80s. I think I did, or at least had a vague notion of who Chewbacca was.

But it took me until my early 20s to see and pay attention to the first three movies (which are really the second three) with my then-boyfriend (now-husband) because he liked them. Loved them. And, OK, I even went to midnight showings of the second three movies (really the first three... yeah, if you're a fan, you know better than me).

I did it for love. But toward the movies, I felt nothing. I'm apparently dead inside. But arguably, so is a lot of George Lucas' dialogue.

So now, this Episode 7 thing is arriving and I can say I know nothing of it. I haven't seen a trailer. I know, I know, it's J.J. Abrams and it's classy and will be better or the best or the last piece of entertainment the world needs, but I'm kind of like, "Meh, what's on Netflix?"

Without further ado, stream-of-consciousness notes from the dark, cold galaxy that's apparently my soul:

1. If everyone is camped out for good seats, I could score good seats for that new Ryan Gosling thing.

2. Is Ryan Gosling in Star Wars?

3. No, I don't know anything about the Star Wars canon. I will ask the next person to mention it to shoot me from one.

4. Are there Ewoks? They were OK.

5. People hate the Ewoks? F*ck those people, they were cute.

6. I thought the Jar-Jar Binks fall-out meant we could be done with this sh*t.

7. Yes, I know who Jar-Jar Binks is. He's like a universal symbol for failure and loathing.

8. Carrie Fisher seems cool. I bet she's not going to see it.

9. That guy from Girls is in it? What is he wearing? Can he wear less?

10. I'm having trouble writing a concrete reason here, because I really have paid that little attention.

11. My oblivion is pretty amazing. I bet even kind of Zen.

12. Wow, I wonder if anyone has been as successful as me at not caring about Star Wars.

13. I'm amazing. Like, this is Oprah vision-board sh*t right here. I can tune out huge universally appealing movie franchises as if they don't exist.

14. Nothing gets to me. Who's got the Force now?

15. F*ck, did I use that incorrectly?

16. But doesn't that prove my point? I'm not sure what the Force is. I'm on my own plane of existence. I'm a Zen motherf*cker.

17. Ah, motherf*cker. I love saying that. Wait, wasn't Samuel L. Jackson in a Star Wars movie?

18. I bet they'll make so much popcorn for these showings it will be super-fresh.

19. I guess I'd go for the popcorn. Maybe I could get take-out popcorn to eat at home.

20. If Harrison Ford makes planes-full of money on this and HE doesn't give a f*ck, then I don't have to, either.

21. At least it's not another Lord of the Rings.

22. I hate Hobbits. If you're going to have hairy feet, be an Ewok for f*ck's sake.

23. Though I did nap really well at one of those movies. I wonder if a Star Wars nap would be better than my Lord of the Rings nap?

24. Can't they just put all this superhero-Hobbit-Star Wars stuff in a ball of super-movie and just, you know, get it all out of the way? I have important things to do.

25. They're playing A Christmas Story 49 times in a row on TNT? Yes!