To The Man Who Emotionally Destroyed Me: Thank You

You were the best worst thing to ever happen to me.

By Stefanie Manzi — Written on Dec 11, 2020

Photo: phaustov / Shutterstock

Dear You:

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor emotionally destroyed, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tries to make sense of her broken heart.

Now, I want you to imagine my face — because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you.

I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I don't hate you, though. Instead, I want to thank you.

Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn't me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me.

These words have resonated with me for some time, and I constantly remind myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter.

I deserve better than being ignored.

I deserve better than being manipulated.

I deserve better than you.

I know I'm not the same girl who was on my bedroom floor that night because I would never give someone complete power over me to the point where I lost control, to the point that I felt worthless.

I was consumed by nothing but negativity and, for a while, I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up, hoping your hand would pull me up to the surface.

I was wrong.

That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me but instead there to push me deeper below. That night I realized the only hand I needed was my own.

I want you to think of the girl who couldn't sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality — and reality was pretty awful.

I want you to think of the girl who couldn't eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused by thinking she constantly did something wrong.

I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later.

I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn't hear.

I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that she kept hidden.

And now, I want you to think of the person I've become.