3 Not-So-Obvious Signs Your Relationship Is Basically OVER And DONE

Photo: weheartit
3 signs

Breakups are hard. There's no way to get around it. Whether you've been together ten years or ten days, every single breakup is hard. But some of the toughest breakups aren't ones filled with drama, hurt, and infidelity — they're the breakups that aren't inevitable, but are a choice.

As a woman in my early 30's, I've had my fair share of relationships. Some were long, drawn out, cohabiting love affairs with talk of marriage and kids and the future, and others were a few months of dating casually before realizing it wasn't right. But my most recent relationship was the hardest to let go of.

I'd been with Peter (not his real name) for two weeks shy of three years when I decided it was time. We were living together in a great little place with our cuddle-bug of a dog. We had learned to compromise, listen to each other, work on our communication skills, and show our love for one another over the years, but I knew something wasn't right.

For whatever reason, I just knew he wasn't the one for me. To be honest, I probably knew two years into it, but I stuck it out because we had history and I really loved him as a person. When I finally realized it was time to let him go, it came down to three key things. Keep an eye out for these signs:

1. You'd rather do chores than have sex.

For over a year I thought we were just in a rut. I'd look at Peter and think to myself how handsome he was. He had a chiseled face, bright blue eyes, blonde hair and broad shoulders. I thought he was handsome, but thought is the key word. I no longer felt attracted to him.

There's a big difference between thinking someone is good looking and actually being attracted to them on a gut level. For whatever reason, through our relationship, my attraction faded to the point where I never wanted to be intimate.

When I thought about us getting married and being together forever, it hit me just how important intimacy is and that I wasn't ready for a life without it. If you get to the point where you would honestly rather do the dishes than be intimate with your partner, it's definitely time to break up.

2. You become apathetic toward the little things.

I always considered myself to be content in our relationship, but over the years that feeling of contentment faded into more of just being comfortable. I wasn't necessarily sad or upset, but I also wasn't happy.

For me, I realized how pronounced my apathy was toward our relationship while deciding where to hang a coat rack in our house (silly, I know). I had a true A-Ha! moment when he asked me where he should hang it and all I said was, "I honestly just don't care."

Considering I'd carefully laid out the house and took immense pride in my decorating skills, this wasn't a typical reaction. In that moment, it wasn't about the coat rack, but the fact that I didn't care about any of it anymore, because I no longer saw us as building a future together — and that included decorating our home.

3. You have no compassion for your partner.

The final kicker in my relationship with Peter was a complete lack of compassion. I've always been a compassionate person to my friends and family, so when I lost the ability to show compassion for Peter, I knew it had to be over.

On the day I broke up with him, a person I still loved after three years together, it came down to him telling me he was depressed (again) and I felt zero compassion or sympathy for him. All I knew was that I couldn't be a good partner or even a good friend for him any longer. I wasn't a person I could be proud of in this relationship and that was the final nail in the coffin.

People stay in relationships for so many different reasons: Love, security, friendship, obligation and sometimes fear of being alone. But there comes a point when you just can't deny the relationship is over, no matter how much you wanted it to work out.

For me, that point came when I didn't like the person looking back at me in the mirror. When I thought of the way I acted with Peter, how I felt toward him and how I was making him feel about himself, I knew that was the end.

I didn't want to hurt him, so I let him go and went on to find my own happiness. As hard as it was to give up on something we had worked at for three years, it ended up being the best decision for both of us.