Love, Sex

8 Definite, Sure-Fire Ways To Land Someone Out Of Your League

Photo: Paramount Pictures
Jay Baruchel and Alice Eve from She's Out of My League

How do you date someone who's out of your league? It's an important question.

See, most people are going out and looking for people they have a connection with, which is fine. But we all know that what's really important is dating someone who's more attractive than you.

Who cares if you can have a conversation with someone if you can't show them off to complete strangers?

How do you do it, though? Well, according to this article, you become friends first. Not really friends, because if you're only friendly with someone to fulfill your own seedy agenda, then that's not actually a friendship.

Also, that's dangerous because you might end up stranded in the friend zone. Then all your work was pointless because you only ended up with a new friend. UGH!

There are more effective ways of achieving this. Sure, you could just be less shallow and stop putting so much value on looks. It's super weird to place people into different leagues. And it's absolutely sexist to see a beautiful woman with a normal looking guy and view her as some sort of trophy that he's earned.

Shallow people don't care about any of that stuff though, so why bother thinking about it? Here are 8 ways to date someone who's out of your league:

1. Hang out in dimly lit places.

This is an obvious one. Just wait for night to fall, and then only hang out in dark, seedy places. If people can't see you clearly, they can't rank you accurately.

There are two problems with this. First, it works both ways. You might think you're talking to a bombshell only to find out you've been flirting with the urinal. The second problem is that people from the upper leagues don't often come to dark, seedy places  because they don't have to.

2. Wear a mask.

Is your dumb face keeping you out of the upper leagues? Well, there's a fix for that. Just go buy a mask of a handsome person and wear it all the time.

Guess who just got brought up to the majors? You ... and your handsome mask. Just be careful while wearing it, because there's nothing more embarrassing than having a mask rip in public. People will think your skin is coming off, and then they'll find out that you're just ugly.

3. Wear a muscle suit.

If your face isn't the problem, maybe it's your body. Sure, you could start eating right and going to the gym, but why actually improve your life? Just go out and buy a muscle suit. You know, the ones people wear on Halloween underneath their Superman costume.

You'll go from zero to hero in no time. Well, you'll go from zero to looking like a hero in no time. There's really nothing heroic about you at all.

4. Learn hypnosis.

If you're going to be a creep, you might as well just embrace it and become a master of the dark arts. Why work on yourself when you can just scramble someone's brain into thinking you're better than you actually are?

This is a great option because a lot of people assume that hypnosis is a magic trick. They'll let you hypnotize them because everyone loves a magic trick. Little will they know that you're actually a dark wizard.

5. Hire groups of ugly people to follow you around.

This is another common one. How good you look is a relative thing.

Go find the most physically unattractive people you can and pay them to follow you around. Also, tell them to chase away any attractive people that may show up. As soon as one good looking guy shows up, you get knocked right back into the "not a good looking guy league."

6. Pay attractive women to compliment you.

If you can make it look like attractive women are into you,  maybe you can confuse one into thinking she actually should be into you.

She'll think, "Those girls are gorgeous, and they're into that guy. There's GOT to be a reason." Just watch out for those women who do that whole "think for themselves" thing; this trick won't work on those party poopers.

7. Hang around depressing places.

Go to hospitals, funeral homes, or the bank  anywhere where people get bad news or have to deal with heavy emotional situations. That's when people are the most vulnerable.

It'll be harder for them to notice your weak, unattractive features through all the tears. Just make sure they keep getting bad news so the fog never clears. As long as they're dating someone like you, that shouldn't be a problem.

8. Be a complete slob so your league is so low your only option is to date up.

If you're really that obsessed with dating someone out of your league, then just make sure you're in a league so low that dating anybody means success.

You won't land a bombshell, but you'll just be happy to land anything. If you're dating a "2" but you're a "1" or even a ".5", then you're doing great. Well, relatively speaking, of course.