It's CRUCIAL to know the difference.
By Andrea Miller and Helen Fisher and Bobbi Palmer and Barbara Becker Holstein and CAROLE H SPIVACK — Written on Jul 31, 2017
We've all been there before: You meet a really great person, you love their personality, find it easy to open up to them, and even feel butterflies when you're with them. You know you're meant to be together.
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Eventually (or maybe even quicker than that), you let your passionate, romantic feelings get in the way of clear thinking, and you have sex.
Have an unforgettable night. But the next day, you're left with feelings of attachment, overwhelming remorse, and disappointment. The reality is, this amazing person doesn't feel the same way about you.
Different standards and beliefs about sex are to blame for these harsh feelings because, believe it or not, sex and intimacy aren't the same things.
Founder of Date Like A Grownup, and dating coach Bobbi Palmer says this "sex is intimacy" mentality started when you were younger. She says, "I have women who have been attracting men through sex for so many years when they're younger. And now, they're in their 50s and 60s, and it's not 'working the same,' but they're still jumping into bed because that's all they know. It's their behavior pattern."
Are you constantly in this same heartache fiasco?
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Founder and CEO of YourTango, Andrea Miller, biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, author and psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker-Holstein, counselor and therapist Carole H. Spivack, along with Bobbi Palmer can't emphasize this enough: Sex and intimacy aren't the same things.
Here are two eye-opening ways to understand the difference and avoid another unwanted one-night stand:
1. Understand your emotions (and make them known)
Look at this relationship retrospectively and your attached emotions. Is this just physical attraction or true, intimate feelings? Once you know what your feelings are, make them known to your lover.
"The most important things are that you have your goals clearly in mind, you know what you want and don't want, and that you're true to yourself," Spivack notes. With these in mind, you'll leave no room for assumptions and soften the blow of disappointment BEFORE you make a regretful decision.
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2. Set a list of sex standards
If you're sure you want to start a serious relationship with your lover, he or she must meet these standards before sex. This will save you a lot of time and heartache once all your emotions are expressed and out in the open.
Bobbie Palmer says that standards are important in order for you to "take personal responsibility... and care of yourself" before you get hurt. She suggests the following set of standards that will pinpoint exactly what you expect from this person prior to sex:
"You have to be able to talk about safe sex. You have to be able to talk about the relationship and your level of intimacy — what's going to happen tomorrow morning, right? And you have to talk about what's comfortable for you and what you need in order to feel good about it. And if you can't have those three conversations, don't jump into bed with him because you will be attached as you said. That oxytocin is going to grab on, and you're going to be in love with that guy."
The Expert panel above suggests some more helpful insights to prevent you from confusing sex and intimacy.
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Andrea Miller is the founder and CEO of YourTango, the leading online magazine dedicated to love and relationships. She has been featured frequently in the media, including multiple appearances on The Today Show, The Early Show, Better TV, CNN, E!, Fox News, ABC, and radio stations across the U.S.