Can't Make This Sh*t Up: Woman Plans To Marry A Tree

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Emma McCabe, a 31-year-old woman, says she's fallen in love with a tree.

Yes, you read that right.

Apparently finding love with a human being was just not working out for her. (????) McCabe's story was featured in the British tabloid, Closure and in the interview she talks about her love for a tree she's named Tim. In fact, it's so serious, they even have a sexual relationship.

"My feelings are genuine. I've had boyfriends, but never connected with anyone like Tim," she said. "I'm in love and would like to get married. I look at other trees, but don't touch — I wouldn't cheat on Tim," Emma McCabe tells Closer.

Well, uh, good to know that she's at least faithful. She then goes on to talk about how the two get naughty and intimate.

"He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it's the best I've ever had!"

How has this woman not been caught and arrested for doing this in public?

McCabe plans to have a small wedding ceremony, with Tim. According to Elite Daily, the family was reached to talk about the non-traditional relationship, but they refused to comment.