10 Reasons To Date A Tree Instead Of Your Lame Boyfriend

Go on. Be a tree hugger.

Molly Shannon from Superstar

So, some lady out there is dating a tree and she hasn't been arrested yet. Those are the times we live in. She claims that it's because all men have failed her, but that’s probably not the problem. I mean, she goes around naming trees and having sexual relationships with them. So maybe, just maybe, men aren't the problem with this one? I'm not saying men are never the problem, but I don't think it's fair to blame this lady's loneliness on us.


Anyway, she's dating a tree, and she says it's great. I looked into it and sure. It seems pretty awesome to have a tree as a boyfriend. Here are ten reasons why!

1. A tree never forgets. It's weird. Every time my girlfriend asks me to take out the trash or do the dishes or to wear pants outside of the apartment, I somehow forget that she asked me to do those things. That's not a problem you'll have to deal with when you date a tree. You tell something to a tree, and I guarantee it will never forget that you said those things to it.

2. Trees don't fart. I'm a guy, and I'm pretty gross. I'm not even the grossest, but I'm still super gross. I have a job, I take a shower and put on clean clothes, but that doesn't stop me from being a giant stink bag. I fart constantly. It seems like everything that I eat gives me gas. Feed me one single Cheerio, and I'll fart like I just ate 14 hamburgers. Trees, on the other hand, don't fart. They don't have the proper equipment. Dating a tree means you'll never have to deal with a single fart.


3. Trees won't cheat on you. Every girl is worried about her boyfriend cheating on them. That's not an issue with trees. My grandma used to say, "You can always trust a tree." It's true, I've never been betrayed by a tree. I once got screwed over by a squirrel, though. I'll never trust those things, and you should never date one.

4. They give you a great gift (oxygen). Girls love getting gifts. Well, what's the best gift of all? How about life granting oxygen? Trees are great at that. Also, they'll take all of your useless carbon dioxide that you're just exhaling all over the place (like a real jerk!) and they'll convert it into life sustaining oxygen! Let's see Gary in accounting do that!

5. They're only ever the good type of shady. Trees are shady, but the good kind. They're the type of shady that shields you from the sun's harmful rays, as opposed to the type of shady that's out cheating on you. Did you know that the sun's rays are technically radiation? Trees protect you from radiation, sister! That's a real man!

6. They'll keep your secrets. Tell all of your secrets to trees. They'll never tell anybody. Even if somebody tortures them, a tree will never tell. If somebody tries to hook a car battery up to a tree's nipples to intimidate them into talking, the only secret they'll find out is that trees have no nipples. No nipples! What a wonderful thing!


7. You never have to meet their parents. Chances are, your tree boyfriend has probably never met their own parents. They were probably created because of stuff bees did to some flower, or some animal eating some fruit. There are no family obligations at all!

8. They're sturdy. Sometimes when my girlfriend gets tired, she'll rest on me. I don't mind, but I'm also a clumsy dumb oaf. One time, she went to rest on me, and I wasn't ready for it, and we were out in public, and I fell over and landed on a baby, and now there’s a flat baby somewhere out there. That'll never happen with a tree. Unless a hurricane comes by, but guess what? A hurricane’s going to knock me over too.

9. You can carve your initials into them. My girlfriend once tried to carve her initials into me. Unfortunately, I wouldn't stop squirming and screaming and bleeding. It was a real problem. Now, I just have a misshapen scar, and she has an improperly marked boyfriend. It's much easier to mark a tree. They'll just sit still while you do it and won’t make a sound.

10. Animals can live in them. If my girlfriend found an animal living inside my body, she'd either have to take me to the hospital or break up with me. The thing is, she loves animals. They're adorable. They just don’t belong inside of my body. Animals can live, on, and all over trees, and it's totally not a problem. Just keep those criminal squirrels away. Those things are monsters. Keep them away from your boyfriend.