10 Things My Penis Would Say (If It Could Talk)


For generations men have constantly been accused of thinking with their penises instead of their brains. It's what led to major news stories such as Bill Clinton's blow job, Justin Bieber's dick pics, and Tiger Woods's many, many mistresses.

Penises get a bad rap, but in all honestly, there is fair reason to give them some crap. They tend to cause trouble, and not in a good way. It’s not really sexy to drop significantly in size when the temperatures drop as well, or simply fail to get it up at all when the time comes.

They can get us men into some pretty sticky situations. They certainly do not have the charm or intelligence as the superiority of our brains, but rather the brash unthinking of a…well, penis. It’s what convinces guys that it’s a good idea to get hammered and nail the next chick he sees at a bar, or hook up with his crazy ex.

Not only are they known to get men into dumb or avoidable encounters, they also cause some pretty awkward situations. That’s right, you definitely didn’t mean to get an erection while stopping off to get some groceries or enjoy a nice meal with a friend. But it’s not up to you, remember? That little member just says, “Oh hey, I’m here” whenever the heck it wants.

Sure everyone got “the talk” when he was reaching puberty about what it means to have sex, but no one gave you a crash course on how to deal with your penis having a mind of its own. It’s like you’ve got two brains in your body, but one is completely unpredictable and at times straight up annoying.

Nonetheless, sometimes it’s that “screw it” mentality that got you into some pretty crazy moments with girls you never thought possible. It’s when the cool rationale of your primary brain takes the back seat while your secondary brain takes control and puts you into real action. Your penis hopes you’ve prepared for the night of your life, because it’s about to get you one heck of a good roll in the hay (until it randomly decides to fail to function in the heat of the moment…whoops.)

Since penises seem to have minds of their own, what about mouths? Aside from the obvious, "Let's play!" here are some things penises would say that may help women understand what it's like to live with something dangling between your legs.


"You're An Idiot" – I know my penis would say this to me many times if it could. The amount of times we've overthought a situation or were too chicken to make a move would be enough to frustrate my bored penis. Men do stupid things all the time and often times those stupid things cost us sex.


"Surprise Motherf*cker!" – Every guy has had it happen to them at the worst time. Boxers give your junk some space, but sometimes it's too much freedom and you end up popping out through the fly unexpectedly.

This is especially dangerous if you're wearing something loose-fitting, like lounge pants or sweats, since the risk of "the groundhog seeing its shadow" is extremely high!


"OUCH, FortheloveofGod, STOP." – Sure, dry humping occasionally happens with new or young couples, but wow, is it murder on a man's penis! Imagine rubbing an incredibly sensitive body part against denim for a prolonged period of time. It strongly decreases a man's chance at orgasm and can give him some serious "rug burn."


"MUHAHAHAHA NOT TONIGHT, SUCKA!" – Whiskey dick is an epidemic that not only kills potential one-night stands, but tarnishes the reputation of the man attached to the penis, all in one flaccid blow. (For those unfamiliar, "whiskey dick" refers to when a man has too much to drink and can't get an erection.) It's the ultimate buzzkill and further proof that a man's penis has a mind of its own.


"Good Morning!" –Penises rise and shine as men do in the form of "morning wood." Waking up with a boner is a normal part of a man's morning routine, as is trying to make it go away so he can pee before his full bladder explodes. If you're cuddling with a man and wake up to something poking you in the back, it's just his junk wishing you good morning.


"Hey, Whatcha Doin'?" – For some unexplained reason, men get random boners throughout the day. Most of the time they're unnoticeable and go away quickly but sometimes they pop up at the absolute worst times, like in class or at work where you're surrounded by people. In that case, men are forced to do the old "tuck it up in the underwear waistband and hope no one notices" routine.

There's no worse place for this to happen than at the beach, because there is NO hiding that sh*t unless you grab a towel or walk hunched over like a gorilla to the water.


"F*ck This Cold, I'm Going Inside." – Most women had no idea what "shrinkage" was until Seinfeld brought it into pop-culture, but it is a very real thing. Pools, the ocean, and outside activity in the cold are all enough to cause a man's penis to say "I've had enough" and shrink DRAMATICALLY. If you happen to see a guy's package after he's gone swimming, cut him some slack, as he clearly needs it.


"THIS IS SPARTAAAAAA!" – I have to imagine if my penis could talk, it would yell something like this anytime it broke through a condom. I mean, it's breaking through a barrier while having sex, it's got to yell something badass!


"We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat!" – Yes, I'm referencing the movie Jaws so you can probably figure out why a penis would yell this. Teeth are great for chewing, smiling, and opening up those stubborn soy sauce packets, NOT for blow jobs.

There's no sexy or polite way to say "OW! NO TEETH!" during one, so many guys just grit through the experience. If you go down on your man, just be careful!


"It Sounded Like A Good Idea At The Time." – A prime example of a man thinking with his penis. The head knows the outcome will probably end horribly, but the penis says "f*ck it, why not?" These situations could be anything from drunk dialing an ex, hooking up with someone completely off limits (like your best friend's sister), or cheating on a significant other.

Penises can cause us a world of sh*t if we don’t outweigh their sex-fueled instincts with reason. Unfortunately, some men find that incredibly difficult to do.