We're doing you a favor, really.
By Aly Walansky — Written on Feb 25, 2015
Sex. We want so desperately for it to be like the movies, full of gyrating perfect bodies, sweat glistening as they scream out in passion.
The reality is, that we’re not perfect. We hate our butts, we have boobs that sag, we really regret that burrito we had at lunch – especially now that we feel really bloated and MAY possibly fart if we contort in the wrong direction.
And we’re feeling insecure because we really want you to be wild about us but at the same time, we’re not so sure how we feel about you – or even if we really trust you – and that’s making matters yet worse.
When we live inside our heads, we ruin sex for ourselves before any of the factors we are so obsessed with can do it for us. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. “When we “watch ourselves”, it not only detracts from our own pleasure (e.g. inhibits our ability to have an orgasm), but it can also be distracting for our partners,” says Astroglide's Resident Sexologist, Dr. Jess. Here's a few reasons you're probably sucking in the bedroom:
1. You're totally insecure.
“Unless you truly do want him to see you through your tainted glasses, don’t point out your expanding butt, sagging breasts, dimpled thighs, muffin stomach, or any other physical flaws. Let him love your body! Just because you don’t love it, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t.
He won’t see your flaws unless you force him to,” says sex expert and dating coach Laurel House. Remedy this by the following don’ts: Don’t hide your body, bad talk yourself in front of him, and point out your physical flaws. Don’t tell him that he deserves someone better than you, or that “she” would be better for him than you are, or cry all the time because you think you aren’t good enough. How is he supposed to find you sexy if you keep telling him all the reasons you aren’t?
2. You're self-conscious.
We all feel so-so about our body or our sexual prowess sometimes. The secret is to get out of our head. "Set up an environment in which you’re less self-conscious," says Dr. Jess. You might lower the lights, blindfold your lover or wear lingerie that makes you feel sexy.
These are temporary solutions when you compare them with ongoing body-image boosting exercises, but they’re a start.
3. You’re just not turned on.
The answer is obvious: Get more turned on! When you’re really aroused, your inhibitions drop. You stop worrying about the little things (e.g. your appearance or performance pressure) and relax into the pleasurable sensations. “Wear a blindfold and focus only on the physical sensations. Learn to receive pleasure without worrying about what your lover’s needs and responses,” says Dr. Jess.
4. You deny intimacy.
Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is an essential component to a healthy relationship. Don’t deny intimacy as a way of punishment, or withhold it only to occasionally gift him with some sensual touch because he was good and deserves it.
“That’s called playing games,” says House. “Intimacy should be a connector, bringing you two closer as you allow yourselves to be vulnerable and completely release together - for and with each other,” House says.
5. You're surrounded by negative influences.
Boost your sexual and body image! "Surround yourself with positive friends who don’t spend much time talking about their bodies. Get out and move! Play a sport, take a hike, dance the night away or hit the gym. When your body performs for you, you learn to appreciate it and derive greater pleasure from it," says Dr. Jess.
6. You make sex a rare treat.
If you use sex as a gift only for special occasions, withhold sex because he was “bad” or didn’t give you what you wanted, then you are making sex into a weapon and that cheapens the experience. “That doesn’t mean that you should always give it up either. If you feel like he is withholding emotionally and you begin to feel sexually used, that’s a different story,” says House.
7. You don’t make any effort.
"Even if you're in a solid, long-term, committed relationship, that doesn’t mean that he's no longer a sexual being who gets turned on by a hot body, flirty personality, and lingerie. Don’t drop the person who you once were, the woman who attracted him in the first place.
Yes, he loves you; but he is still a man and men are visual creatures," says House. Don’t stop trying to put effort into your looks. This include shaving, wearing sexy lingerie on occasion, putting on your makeup and working out.
Yes, it’s great that you are comfortable enough to wear sweats and be “seen” for who you truly are. But sometimes you still have to pull that that sexy beast of a woman! Believe me, the effort will pay off. And not just for him. Putting effort into yourself will make you feel sexy too.
Never stop flirting. When you go out to dinner, don’t just talk about your daily minutia, chores, the kids, or annoyances. FLIRT WITH HIM! Go on dates with him again. Lingerie, attitude, body language, the works! Bring your sexy self back to the relationship, says House.
8. You wait until you’re horny to have sex.
If you wait until you’re in the mood to have sex to have sex, you may never get to it, says Dr. Jess. Just like hitting the gym, sometimes you need to cultivate the desire to do so. Whether it’s a steamy novel, fantasizing, or even a trip to the gym, get that energy flowing!
Give your lover the opportunity to put you in the mood when you're not there yet, says Dr. Jess. Instead of responding with “not tonight," if you’re not up to it, try “I’m not really in the mood, but if you can help get me there, I’m game!”