I'm Married — But I Sleep In The Guest Room Without My Husband

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I'm Married — But I Sleep In The Guest Room Without My Husband

I've been carrying around a heavy secret for a while now. It's not something I've been able to admit to my husband or my friends because I know they'll judge me, but I think I'm finally ready to reveal what I've been holding super-close to the vest for awhile now. 

Okay, here goes: Every night after my husband goes to bed, I slink away to the guest bedroom.

(It's not to escape my husband's snoring, although that's a nice bonus.) It's to sleep with some very attractive teenage dudes. It's not the same dudes every night, mind you, which makes this confession sound even naughtier, but I assure you: it's all worth it.

What's worse than sleeping with other men behind my husband's back? Well, obviously, the fact that these guys are teenagers (or at least they pretend to be.) But that's part of the fun. I know I'm too old for these guys — they're probably interested in younger women with perkier bodies — yet every night, they waltz into my spare bedroom and entertain me for hours and sometimes (GASP!) all night long.

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The hardest part is keeping the volume down. I want to be able to hear every word but sometimes it's hard when they speak so softly. I try to keep quiet enough so my husband won't hear anything but sacrificing volume means I might miss a sweet nothing, and that's simply unacceptable.

At this point, you're probably wondering: Who are these hot little prepubescents and what the heck has gotten me all Mrs. Robinson-ed?

Okay, I'll tell you.

It's not always the same guys although I certainly have my favorites. Most of the time it's the men from One Tree Hill, although I'm not opposed to Gossip Girl, or Pretty Little Liars sending their hotties to my bed either. As long as I can stream them through my iPad, I'm a happy girl — at least for the night.

They're not as into me as I am to them. I know that. Sure, they like that I watch them, but that's just for vanity and ratings. It's not like they really care about Lisa, the person, the woman. In fact, they don't even know my name and certainly feel no qualms that I'm seeing them secretly behind my husband’s back. But my goodness, when they look into my eyes, I melt — even if they see right through me.

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I know I need to stop, but I have three seasons left on One Tree Hill and I simply must know if Dan Scott redeems himself. I admit: I’m in too deep and my heart is involved now. And that's when withdrawal really starts to become painful. But I have to end this madness. Maybe instead of sneaking behind my husband's back, I'll cop to my embarrassing actions and hope we can weather the storm together. Who knows? Maybe he'll even allow me to bring the guys into our bed at night for a digital three-way.

Listen, I'm no fool, I know these secret relationships have to come to an end at some point.

Seasons finish and contracts aren’t renewed. I can’t put all of my sexy hopes into one TV show (a show that stars a very attractive shirtless male that goes by the name of Chad Michael Murray). Perhaps after the last episode of One Tree Hill, I'll throw in the towel and redevote myself to my husband.

But then again, I’ve never seen Dawson’s Creek.

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Lisa Newlin is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life.