Love, Sex

Can My Husband And I Ever Find Our Sexual Connection Again?

Are you frustrated in the bedroom because the sex is just not what it used to be? Are you worried that with a diminishing sex life, loving feelings in your relationship will fade away too? If so, help is on the way.

In this video, counselor and YourTango Expert Dr. Pat Love says that two-thirds of women claim to be in that same frustrating situation.

"You may be aroused, you may want sex, you may long for an exciting, exotic sex life, but you don't have the desire," she says. "Desire comes when you're having sex for most women so that's why you have to be proactive."

Want to learn more? Check out the video above!


Hi I’m Dr. Pat Love with Ask an Expert.  Here’s a question: This is terrible to say, but I just don’t feel like having sex with my husband.  I’m worried that with the sexual connection gone that the love will go away too.  Is there anything I can do?

If you don’t feel like having sex welcome to the world of two-thirds of women.  Two-thirds of women don’t feel like having sex until they’re already having sex.  It’s like those moments right before orgasm, the typical woman will say “Oh, this feels so good.  I’m going to do it more often.  I’ll never, ever resist again”, and then right after orgasm you feel forget all that.  Because you walk around, you may be aroused, you may want sex, you may long for a wonderful, exciting, exotic sex life, but you don’t have the desire.  Desire comes when you’re having sex for most women, so that’s why you have to be proactive.  You have to make a plan, you have to make an appointment.  You have to, you have to, be again, like I say, you have to be proactive, you have make it happen.  Once you’re into it, most women will tell you “I love it, once I get into it”. 

And by the way, this is about a third of men.  And this is the person who falls into, what I call, they’ve got the “sexy brain”, their body will follow when their brain is engaged.  You have to make time for sex.  You have to be responsible for your own orgasm.  That doesn’t mean you give it to yourself.  You’ve got to know what arouses you.  You’ve got to know that it’s often times your stress level that keeps you from being sensual and sexual. 

So you have to block off some time for sex.  You have to plan and think about sex.  You have to tell your partner what you want and need, whether it’s kindness, whether it’s support, whether it’s lowering your stress level, what you need to feel engaged and desirous of him or her.  So you have to understand your own self, you have to know what turns you on, you have to take some responsibility, and you’ve got to be willing to communicate that to your partner and then you, like a third of men and like so many women, will feel like having sex even before you’re already having sex.

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