Thou Shalt Not Dry Hump (And 6 Other Holy Commandments Of PDA)

Unless you're into that sort of thing, most of us really don't care to see other people getting frisky (unless they're attractive AND we're in the privacy of our own homes or sex clubs). While other cultures are more averse to PDA (the Japanese think holding hands is weird and public kissing in India could get you the Richard Gere reatment*), our schizophrenic stance on sexuality (damned Protestant pornography has made us all vestal voyeurs) makes the whole kaboodle conflicting and uncomfy.

Not for nothing, I don't mind a little bit of PDA. I've made out with someone in a bar before. It wasn't my proudest hour but I am sort of proud of it. The key to any public make out is being able to leave that place before things get out of (or IN) hand. The'res a need for a certain level of decorum. Here's the bare minimum:

  1. Genitalia shall not be directly touched. Glancing contact is barely OK; minimize repetition.
  2. Genitalia shall not be unfurled. That's indecent exposure (or mopery), brah, and could get you in jail.
  3. Any actually dirty talk shall not be said loud enough for anyone to here unless it's in a language you're sure no one else can speak. Pig Latin doesn't count. 
  4. Tongue kissing, if even attempted, shall be incredibly brief ... and other people in the vicinity shall not be stared at by either kisser because that's creepy, man.
  5. Dry humping shall only occur on the dance floor, if at all. This dancing shall primarily be to Reggaeton (Daddy Yankee) or Crunk (the Ying Yang Twins) music.
  6. Breasts shall not be groped. See rule #1 for clarification.
  7. If one thing begins leading to another, involved parties shall attempt to egress immediately. 

While there are a few other guidelines (such as: only the lame shall put their hand in each other's back pockets), these are the basics that will prevent society from being torn apart. Feel free to ignore these rules in other cultures and on New Year's Eve. (Note: Romance language countries may be OK with it, countries with languages based on Sanskrit may be deeply offended.)

*Note: In India, The Richard Gere Treatment is public censure… what did you think I meant?