12 Things Guys Shouldn't Do After Marrying

There are a bunch of things a married guy just can't do anymore. Sorry.

after you get married

You're probably going to get really sick of this but, I was watching How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) the other night and it was enter-wait for it-taining once again. This episode (Episode 84, "Murtaugh," Season 4) centered around a list called the Murtaugh List (after Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover, one half of the Lethal Weapon's crime-fighting team). The list was named after Murtaugh's catchphrase, "I'm too old for this sh*t," and was a list of things that the characters were too old to do. I thought the list was a little silly, I've used a beer funnel (a bong is something else) and sleep on a futon in the last six weeks and am none the worse for wear. But there are some things out there that a guy shouldn't do after getting married. And they are...


-    Share a bed with a friend of the opposite gender. Sorry, but that's pretty much out-of-bounds. Even if you go head-to-toe, the genitals still align.

-    Say "I'd hit that." You probably shouldn't say "I'd hit that" anyways but it's a particularly bad idea if you're married, unless you say it ironically or about your wife (or husband, it is the 90s).

-    Go on the Real World. Sorry, dude, the dream is over. You probably should avoid reality shows altogether but particularly ones in which people stop being nice and start being real.

-    Throw away towels instead of washing them. I know, I know, it takes for-friggin'-ever for towels to dry. Sorry, I guess this is growing up.


-    RSVP for one on eVite. OK, you should probably not RSVP for one when you're dating someone (learned that one the hard way), but you should really ought to check in with the wife-y.

-    Talk about sex with your wife to your buddies. This usually dries up once she becomes your girlf unless the chat is advice oriented. But c'mon, she's your wife, man, that's just gross.

-    Wear a T-shirt that references the "Beaver Patrol" or the "Bikini Inspector." Have some class, Chachi. The only clever T-shirt you should own is a tuxedo T-shirt because it tells people you're formal but also like to get crunk.

-    Drive a car worth more than your home. There's a time and place for owning a car you can't really afford and that's when you're chasing tail. Feel free to name it "The Panty Dropper" and see where that gets you.


-    Read Tucker Max. There is a certain genre of literature (Dick Lit) that becomes even lamer to read when you're married. The Game is an interesting sociological read… for single men.

-    Pretend you're not dating. Listen, I think it's hilarious when people pretend to not be dating, I really do. But when I was at the wedding, it becomes tedious. If you're pretending to pick one another up at the bar using this ploy as a way to spice it up, the please proceed.

-    Dutch oven. In the same vein that you can't make a ho a housewife (that's science), you can't (shouldn't) Dutch oven the future mother of your children.

-    Refer to yourself as "being good" because you don't give in to temptation. You're not supposed to cheat, you low expectation-having Mickey-Fickey.


Anything that I missed?