Welp, there goes 30 minutes of my life I will never get back.
There are many things I don't understand in life: electricity, how to change a tire, Miley Cyrus ... and now, clown contouring.
Clown contouring, for those of you who don't know, involves using clown-style makeup to contour your face. Clowning (as I like to call it) makes Kim Kardashian's makeup routine look like child's play.
Makeup artist Bella de Lune came up with the concept of clown contouring, because, as she puts it, "makeup is fun." Plus, she's been called a clown so many times, she figured she might as well play the part.
I had several fears going into this. One was that I'd lose 20 minutes of life contouring my face to look like a clown. The second was that my skin tone is naturally tan and I wasn't sure if all these pastel colors were really going to work for me. Third was that I'd waste another 10 minutes of my life wiping all that sludge off my face.
Here's a picture pre-clowing:
And here's one of me smiling so you know I'm not a serial killer:
My love of investigative reporting means I'm soldiering on in the effort to keep you, my dear reader, informed. Plus, I love makeup like douchebags love telling women to smile. So here goes:
1. I wasn't too sure about placing the darker color underneath my eyes. Mainly because I'm not interested in looking like the grim reaper. (Also because I didn't want to find out I'd wasted money on concealer when the real secret to a gorgeous face was making my under eye area darker.)
2. I began emulating Bella's look by highlighting my forehead, the bridge of my nose, and part of my cheeks with the white color. Putting all this cream makeup on me felt weird.
3. I tried some light contouring before a la Kimmie K, but this was insane. I'm wasn't even halfway through and I already felt like I was wearing way too much makeup.
4. I continued by adding the pink circles on my cheeks. At this point, things were getting real crazy. And I'm not just talking about the Republican presidential nominee race. My face looked like a 5-year-old went to town on it.
Nonetheless, I continued with the orange and brown colors until my look was complete:
Upon looking at myself in the mirror, I felt a slight twinge of fear.
I've never been a big fan of clowns, and now here I was staring at one in the mirror. Thanks, Stephen King! Now came time for the real truth: Would I looked like a sculpted goddess after I added foundation?
I grabbed one of my beauty blenders, saturated it in water, squeezed out the excess, and started stippling my face. Several minutes later, I STILL looked like a clown!
I was thoroughly perplexed. Sure, some of it had blended away but I still had a ridiculous shade of hot pink seeping through my cheeks, and the entire face looked mucky and disgusting, like I fell into a mud pit and then let it dry.
Just to give you some perspective, I applied Giorgio Armani Silk Foundation — the Rolls Royce of foundations. The stuff of legend. It could cover up a scratch on a car, that's how intense it is.
I didn't just smack on some BB cream and call it a day. So, if my foundation couldn't cover up this contour mess, I didn't know what could.
I can only assume Bella used some sort of heavy theatrical pancake makeup. Or, maybe I just didn't know sh*t about how to apply makeup:
Can you see how miserable I am? I even can't believe I'm allowing this photo to be posted in public.
Suffice it to say, I'll NEVER try clown contouring again. I wasted 15 minutes applying all this crap to my face just to end up looking like someone who eats bath salts.
From now on, I'll just stick to the basic nose contouring and call it a day.