The #1 Way To Be A Great Lover

Attitude, attitude, attitude.

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It's best we start at the very beginning. Plainly said, great sex begins with a specific attitude that is open toward sex, comfortable with sex, and desirous of sex.

A Great Lover always wants to know more about sex, and this attitude is like an internal compass that guides them, inspires them, and soothes them. They understand the power of their sexuality and know how to extend this to their lover. This power is what shapes their attitudes — toward sex, their lovers, and themselves.


"Love is an act of the imagination." Stendhal

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Many people assume that being a great lover is about learning tips on technique, but that is far from the truth. The "what goes where" and "how to" elements of sex are only part of the dance. You can know all the steps, but they don’t matter much if you don’t know how to hold your partner on the dance floor, or if you can’t hear the music.

You can know all the parlor tricks in the world and may possibly be tons of fun when horizontal, but what makes you a great ‘toss’ is not necessarily what makes you a great lover.


"All we need to do is clear space, both inwardly and outwardly, for it to happen. Then allow yourself to “free fall” into the moment. Actions are effortless, flowing, and instinctive. Time ceases to exist. Behavior is responsive, not forceful or needy. The imagination opens up. In essence, we recapture our capacity for child’s play."  Marcia Reynolds

Defining great sex is personal and very connotative.

There is no dictionary definition. For one person it might mean being able to give and receive off-the-chart pleasure, for another it might be about adventure and things you can attach to the ceiling, and for yet another, it might be about feeling amazingly close and connected while wrapped in a lover's arms. But it seems to come down to certain things.

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Here are six ways to be a great lover:

1. Great lovers possess an attitude toward sex that is open and curious, willing to learn something new about sex — always and forever.

2. Great lovers possess the know-how and the intention to keep the flames of passion alive — always and forever.

3. Great lovers express their sexuality while allowing their partner to express theirs— always and forever.

4. Great lovers trust themselves and infuse their partners with trust — always and forever.

5. Great lovers know that to give unconditionally will ultimately be personally rewarding — always and forever.

6. Great lovers have a great sense of humor, timing, and patience — always and forever.

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"If you want reverence and pristine, go to church." — Cynthia Heimel


Sensational sex is about sustaining passion in a relationship. Commitment, trust, monogamy, kindness, intimacy, curiosity, patience, and knowledge of another are all ingredients. Try being the other person.

"How we are in bed is how we are in life. I’ve never met a man who was bad in bed, but good in life." — Samantha, Sex and the City

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Barbara Kennedy, MPH, MSW, is a relationship coach, speaker, and Health & Psycho educator in private practice. She strives to empower her clients to understand behavior, boundaries, and barriers to develop healthy, positive, and satisfactory relationships.