The Simplest Difference Between Making Love And Having Sex

It's all about the verb-noun pairing.

How To Know If You're Making Love Or Just Having Sex Scopio | Canva

Of course, there's a difference between having sex and making love. Look at the verb-noun pairing to start: Love is something we make and sex is something we have. One is creative, to make, and one is possessive, to have. The word pairing and grammar and the initial clues there is a significant difference between the two phrases.

Some men can only have sex, which does not require an emotional connection, only action and temporary possession of the other person. The minute they feel love and emotional connection, it unconsciously turns them off from being able to create a shared emotion. Sex thrives on newness, the unexplored, and the material. Love is made, lasts, and takes into consideration who the person you're with truly is and what can be created between you.


Making love requires polarity. Too much sameness can dull intimacy. Two individuals can have sex. However, they need to have a cultivated emotional connection to make love. So what's the real truth when it comes to making love as opposed to hooking up for sex?

Happy couple knows how to make love JLco Julia Amaral via Shutterstock


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It's a simple formula. Men make love when they give, protect, and respect the person they're with. Women love when they're able to receive, be available, and respect the person they're with.

Carefree sex doesn't require any emotional connection or commitment from you. It's a feeling that comes and goes. This is especially true for many men. It's the reason they often come on too strong and fade fast. When a man is following his desires, watch out because you're headed for a hookup or one-night stand.

Individuals can do what they want, anytime they want. Making love requires a simple outside-the-bedroom principle. It requires being part of a team and you must consider your teammate in ways you wouldn't ordinarily do.


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Making love is a team game. That's what makes it scary. Making love comes from a strong emotional bond and strengthens the emotional bond every time love is made.

Being on a team has a different level of vulnerability to it. A team is made outside the bedroom before it can be made inside the bedroom. Being on a team means doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do for the sake of the team.

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Making love isn't possible without the vulnerability of letting someone see you as an authentic human being. Having sex gives us instant gratification. Ironically, people often have sex to avoid actual intimacy. Meanwhile, making love gets into your heart. It takes time to nurture and grow emotionally to be able to make love, so a couple needs to stay together long enough to feel it.

Most everything worth having is right outside our comfort zone — and that's especially true with making love. Vulnerability is scary and uncomfortable but is necessary for love to be made. Remember, people who make love often have great sex. People who focus only on having sex rarely make love.

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James Allen Hanrahan is a dating and relationship coach for women based in Los Angeles. He's also the author of "A Life of Love" and "Dating Advice for Alpha Women."