Wife Asks For Advice Because Her Husband 'Doesn't Know How To Be Poor'
He's living a fine dining life on a fast food budget.
Africa images | Canva At her wits' end, a woman turned to Reddit for advice because she said her "husband doesn't know how to be poor." He doesn't just struggle with managing money and budgeting, however. Her biggest complaint is that he just refuses to acknowledge his role in their financial mess, leaving her to oversee all the decisions about money. It's left her frustrated and feeling like the bad guy.
Disagreements about money are a part of almost any marriage, and often a very damaging one. This woman isn't avoiding the topic, however. She's trying to meet their money differences head-on. Her husband just doesn't want to face the fact that they don't have the financial capacity to live the life he wants.
A woman asked for advice because her husband 'doesn't know how to be poor.'
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We've heard it time and again: Disagreements over money are the number one cause of divorce. It turns out that's probably not exactly true. The most recent data shows more relationship-oriented causes, like differing priorities and having married too young, as more common causes. Even still, financial disagreements are consistently at the top of the list of reasons couples split.
This woman's marital woes are no exception. "I’m so upset and idk how to deal with him right now," she wrote, going on to say that she pays all of the bills and handles their weekly budget. It's a budget her husband doesn't seem to have any understanding of, let alone the ability to adhere to.
The woman said her husband doesn't understand 'the difference between a want and a need.'
Her husband is so bad with money that she routinely takes the bus to work because he's spent her gas money on needless things. One recent week, they were left with $150 for groceries after paying for everything else.
"He then asks if he should get a case of red bulls for $30 at Costco," she wrote. It was a request that left her "speechless" and genuinely concerned that he sincerely doesn't understand the dire financial straits they're in. "I said, 'I’m concerned that you don’t comprehend the difference between a want and a need.'" That honest statement prompted her husband to "throw a fit" and threaten to "just eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal." He then accused her of making him feel bad about himself.
His reaction to her attempt at discussing their financial incompatibility wasn't exactly mature. In fact, the woman wasn't under any illusion about his behavior, either. "He’s literally a child," she wrote, adding a worrisome prediction: "can’t imagine life in the future as things get more expensive."
Given our punishingly expensive economy nowadays, she's come to the conclusion that her husband might just be fundamentally incapable of following a budget, especially because every conversation they have about it turns into a monumental fight. "It always resorts to an argument where he then says crazy, outlandish, and over the top things like 'I guess I’ll just go live in my car, I’ll get another full-time job, I’ll just sell everything and live under a bridge.'"
She's at her wits' end, but given their financial situation, she feels like she has no recourse. "People will say we need counseling but with what money? Marriage counseling isn’t free," she wrote. "I’m sick of this."
The husband's immature response to their money issues could be a sign of childhood financial trauma.
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Most commenters were not exactly kind in their predictions for this couple's future. Many who had been through similar situations, in particular, urged the woman to start setting aside money to extricate herself from the relationship.
Others even suggested she try more draconian measures to make him understand the problem, like only giving him cash to spend like a child with an allowance, both to teach him how to budget and to ensure that her needs are not jeopardized by his profligacy. "He needs to understand once the cash in his hand is gone, thats it til next payday," one commenter wrote. "Give him his half of the cash and say this is all you have for the next two weeks... But set your half aside." The assumption seemed to be that he'd be forced into learning eventually.
However, given his overreaction to the rudiments of basic math, there's reason to believe that this issue goes far deeper than a mere misunderstanding. One of the most common symptoms of financial trauma, for example, particularly in those who grew up in financial hardship, is to become a spendthrift.
People with this kind of trauma try to make up for the scarcity and stress they grew up with by either becoming a tightwad or refusing to live thriftily as adults, often to their own detriment. Becoming so combatively defensive is also a frequent reaction from those with some kind of financial trauma. Ed Coambs, a licensed therapist, financial adviser, and author, explained to CNN that those who don't respond to the childhood experience of growing up poor with miserly restriction, "may be overly carefree with money." Much like this husband, Coambs said the mentality becomes, "might as well live for today because tomorrow it could be gone.”
It seems like this woman has the right instincts; without therapy, there doesn't seem to be much of a way forward. While the cost of treatment might be an issue, the financial repercussions of divorce could be much more devastating. Better to scrimp now and invest in the health of their relationship than continue on this path of resentment and financial ruin.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
