16 Common Relationship Phrases That Quietly Dehumanize Women
These phrases strip women of their agency, worth, and individuality in relationships.
Kyle McLeod | Unsplash I started thinking about words and all the ways we use them to diminish women. But I didn’t want to write another column about the words men use. I’m pretty sure you can find a million of those already.
Instead, I’m listing terms that describe relationships in ways that demean women. We do a very good job of dismissing relationships as unimportant in American culture, even though most guys value them very much. These expressions below need to go the way of the dodo. And yes, some of these could be applied directly to men by women or have easy parallels. Those expressions need to go away, too.
Some of these are blatant, but some are more subtle, like the notion that you can “steal someone’s girlfriend away from them.” Money, cell phones, and cattle can all be stolen because they can be legally owned.
None of them, not even the cattle, have anything like human free will. But if you believe that a guy’s girlfriend can be stolen, then you’re saying that she’s an object — property — and not a thinking human being who can make her own decisions.
Here are the common relationship phrases that quietly dehumanize women:
1. 'Steal someone’s girlfriend'
She’s an object without free will.
2. 'Do the right things and she’ll be yours'
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There’s a formula that applies to all women because they’re all the same.
3. 'Win her heart'
You win prizes, not people.
4. 'Trophy wife'
She’s not a prize, she’s a person.
5. 'Take her off the market'
She’s an object you can buy?
6. 'If you buy a woman a drink, then she owes you'
First, if you buy her a drink without her permission, she doesn’t owe you anything. That’s a gift, and she does not need to accept it or reciprocate.
Second, if she agrees to let you buy her a drink, then she’s only agreeing to talk to you for the length of that drink; she is not agreeing to do whatever you want for the rest of the evening. Finally, if you think you’re being taken advantage of, then stop buying drinks for people.
7. 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'
She’s not a cow. See “owes you some type of favor” for the rest.
8. 'Kept woman'
Paying someone’s rent, keeping them in fine clothes, and otherwise paying their expenses does not mean you control every aspect of someone’s life, including what they do with their genitalia.
In theory, relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. Even in “traditional” relationships that feminists disdain, there’s an assumption of separate spheres of expertise (paid work vs. childrearing). These expressions show no respect for a guy’s partner.
9. 'Treat them mean, keep them keen'
Women don’t deserve to be treated nicely, and doing so will lead to bad things.
10. 'Old ball and chain'
Your girlfriend or wife is a nearly immovable weight intended to limit your movement.
11. 'Battleaxe'
Your girlfriend or wife is a lethal weapon.
12. 'Harpy'
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Your girlfriend or wife is a mythical, filthy monster who lives for vengeance. Hmm, living for vengeance sounds a lot like Elliot Rodger.
13. 'Bit on the side'
She’s a person, not a “bit,” which I’ve been told means “piece" in this context. And I won’t bother to comment on the dishonesty inherent in having a second partner.
14. 'Make an honest woman out of her'
Turns out honesty is based on intimate activity inside marriage and not the ability to keep one’s word. Who knew?
15. 'Leftovers (dating someone’s ex)'
See sloppy seconds.
16. 'When you get to heaven, you’ll be rewarded with pure women'
Pure, untouched women in heaven? Seriously? Doesn’t sound very heavenly for them. If we start giving credence to the importance of relationships and stop belittling them, we might make our culture a nicer place.
Andrew Smiler, PhD, is a freelance writer, blogger, author, and licensed therapist.
