You Can Usually Tell How Calm Someone Is By These 6 Things They Do When Things Are Tense
Fer Valladarez | Pexels I was a pretty nervous dude in my youth, but I’ve put a lot of time and energy into calming down. Some strategies didn’t work at all and made me more uptight, but a lot of strategies I tried helped a lot, even if incrementally.
For me, good mental health is maintained through sound physical health and thought management, which is developed over time as a life-long practice. I combined my fascination for human behavior and my curiosity for living a calmer, more relaxed life, and turned them into a few soothing techniques to practice when things in the game of life get especially tense.
There are some specific things the calmest people do when things are getting tense:
1. They don't accept thoughts as facts
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I wish I had known earlier how much nonsense is contained in thoughts. Too many of us take them as gospel truths on how life should be lived. Thoughts are just approximations, and not every single one of them needs to be listened to.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Carissa Gustafson agrees, cautioning: Our thoughts are not facts. In fact, they can be highly distorted. When people are tightly intertwined with their thoughts, they want to stop, change, or control them and inevitably fail."
So, how do you stop fighting with your own mind? For me, I incorporated more walking and weight-lifting into my week. When I exercise, oxygen flows more effectively through my bloodstream. Endorphins increase. My mood lifts. A week without exercise makes my body feel stagnant, and that’s when my stress and anxiety arise.
2. Calm people don't look for validation
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A need for validation was rooted in a lie: that other people had the power to raise my self-esteem. That’s a lie, and you need to stop thinking that. The only validation you need is the compassion that arises naturally for yourself and others when you care less.
Plus, there's a hidden cost of chasing approval that most of us won't catch on to. "Seeking praise is problematic because you end up conforming yourself in all sorts of ways to meet other people's expectations to earn their approval, which is the opposite of calm," explained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck.
3. They think less about themselves
I like to take care of my appearance, my general health, my hygiene, and buy decent clothes and that kind of stuff. That’s essential self-care. But beyond that, I make a point to actively think of myself less often.
When there’s less of me to think of, my self-consciousness drops, and my focus redirects to the stuff worth thinking about: ‘What can I create, and how can I help other people?’ When my focus is less inward, suddenly I'm calmer; isn't it wild how that works?
4. Calm people understand the mind/tension connection
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This was huge for me. The more we have on our minds, the more stress we feel. You know this because you feel awful when the volume of rumination is high, like when you worry.
Most people attempt to use their thoughts to calm down. They try to think positive thoughts. They believe it’s relieved at the mindset level. No, it isn’t. The gateway to true calm is accessed through the physical: your body. Relax your body, and your mind stills.
5. Calm people understand that what they consume affects how they feel
I still often eat garbage: sugary breakfast cereal, microwave junk, greasy fried foods, you name it. But I now know to expect to feel like the garbage I eat when I do so. Understanding this garbage food/anxiety connection makes all the difference.
I no longer need to worry about where my anxiety comes from if I’ve just spent the last week doom-scrolling (garbage isn't just what you eat!), drinking alcohol, and shoving processed food into my mouth.
6. They take full responsibility for themselves
Many people question this one. They say: ‘I can’t be held responsible for the fighting in some distant land.’ Well, sure, you're not responsible for peace in the Middle East, but you are responsible for yourself and the decisions you make each day.
Remember: your mind is incredibly powerful; it creates your entire reality. This is an incredible tool to strengthen because if we take responsibility for what isn’t working, we’re in the driving seat of our lives. We create our own calm.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.
