Trauma Coach Begs Women To Stop ‘Taking Care’ Of Their Husbands — ‘Your Only Responsibility Is To Make Yourself A Priority’

Sometimes you have to put yourself first, even when it comes to someone you've dedicated your life to.

Close up young black wife embracing husband fizkes | Shutterstock

A trauma coach admitted that wives should start worrying about their own mental health and well-being instead of using all of their energy to help their husbands. 

In a TikTok video, trauma coach David Lea encouraged women to start putting themselves first in their marriages and not dimming their light to uplift their husbands when that energy is never reciprocated.

Lea begged women to stop 'taking care' of their husbands.

"Stop trying to save him. Stop trying to fix him. Stop coddling him. Stop enabling him. Stop trying to change him," Lea insisted. He pointed out that wives attempting to emotionally drain themselves for the sake of husbands who don't want to change or put in the work will further damage others in the family, especially the kids.


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Lea argued that it just ends up being a huge "disservice," and while it may be difficult to just stand idly by instead of helping your significant other, especially when marriages are all about being there through the ups and downs, in the end, you have to put yourself first. Because all your husband's behavior is doing is further harming you, and you can't fill up someone else's cup when yours is being drained.

"It can be incredibly hard, day in and day out, watching the man you love make poor decisions, choose different paths than you would. When you try to tell and coerce and manipulate and control, then disguise it as trying to help him, ultimately all you're doing is hurting the entire situation."

Lea explained that this behavior often stems from a need to control everything and everyone around you. There is a positive intent underneath it; however, more times than not, there is no change, and micromanaging your spouse does not alter the way things have become.


We often talk about how men need to change in order for women to pursue fulfilling careers, but what we fail to realize is that we, as women, need to make change as well.We need to take a step back and allow our husbands to take on a bigger role in the home life, even if it means they don't do things the way we want. Just like we wouldn't micromanage our teams at work, we shouldn't micromanage our spouses.

♬ original sound - Brittany

"Listen to this very carefully; no man will ever do anything until he has the leverage in which to do so," Lea continued. "He must make the decision to change, to grow, to transform, to heal. You cannot do it for him."


Even if he tries to do these things and change for you, he's not doing it out of free will and self-motivation. He's doing it because he feels pressured or obligated, and that's not sustainable or genuine. It doesn't help that a majority of women, mothers, and wives often have to shoulder a lot of the household responsibilities and childcare burdens without help or support from their spouses, especially in heterosexual relationships and marriages.

You can't force someone to truly change or grow; it has to come from their own inner desire and commitment. Trying to take on the responsibility for their transformation will only end up creating an unhealthy dynamic and breed resentment. 

Lea advised women to make themselves the priority, adding, "So what's your course of action? Your only responsibility, ladies, is to make you your priority. To focus on your growth, healing, and transformation. You can do this, and you are worthy of it."

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A woman admitted that after putting herself first, she found herself not having a marriage anymore.

In response to David's video, a woman and mom with the TikTok username @teetads explained that when she stopped trying to control everything, her marriage fell apart.

"It made me realize how much mothering and nurturing my husband and taking the lead mentally and emotionally in our relationship was really the glue that kept us together. It's the foundation of our entire relationship."

@teetads #stitch with @David Lea when i stopped taking care of my husband, i realized i didnt have a marriage anymore. It hurts to know when you prioritize yourself, that it could mean losing the people you care about. But you have to be first. #marriage #marriagestruggles #divorce #relationshiptok #fyp #fyf #foryoupage ♬ original sound - teetads⁷ 🦋 🍉

She noticed that once she stopped being the primary nurturer and, essentially, the caregiver for her husband, there wasn't much left between them. At first, she assumed that as having the role of a wife, she was doing what was expected of her. 


Traditional gender norms and expectations have conditioned women to feel that they are the ones who are better at handling and dealing with emotions and feelings while men aren't, and more often than not, in marriages, women will slip into that role of being a caregiver, while men will fulfill the traditional expectations that come with being the "man of the house."

@samantha_green_lmhc #stitch with @CrayGardens Thisnis the summer for not micro-managing your husband! #struggle #newparents #dadsoftiktok #momsoftiktok ♬ original sound - Mindful Mom Boutique

On top of that, she felt that if she assumed the expected role of what a wife is supposed to be and do, her husband would see that and return the favor and give her what she needed. But just as Lea mentioned in his video, you can't expect people to change for you. They have to change for themselves.

"I feel like it's going to be the end of the relationship. That's really been hard to accept and it's a process for me to try to accept that and understand it. I'm still trying to learn how to prioritize myself, put myself first, and take care of myself."


It's such a disheartening reality that the moment you choose to put yourself first, many people in your life will take that as a threat and leave. But, if someone wasn't meant to be in your life, then sooner or later, the universe has a way of showing them the door and making you realize that holding onto them was only holding you back from growing and finding true happiness.

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Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.