You Can Usually Tell Someone Has A Strong Backbone By 10 Things They Refuse To Do
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock Having a strong backbone is subjective, but it’s also a personality trait that we know when we see it.
There are all kinds of things someone with a strong backbone refuses to do, whether that’s making assumptions or saying “yes” when they mean “no.” They’re not afraid to advocate for themselves, not because they don’t care about other people, but because they respect themselves.
Someone with a strong backbone refuses to do these things:
1. Say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’
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Whether it’s peer pressure from friends to go out or an unspoken expectation that you work on the weekends from a boss, we’re constantly pressured to say “yes” to things at our own expense. However, someone with healthy self-esteem and a strong backbone never says “yes” when they mean “no,” especially to make someone else’s life more comfortable.
They might set their needs aside to help someone they love or inconvenience themselves to show up for a friend, but they’re not afraid to stand up for their personal time and well-being when pressured to do something that isn’t right for them.
2. Make assumptions
Making assumptions and leaning into groupthink is easy when you don’t know how to form your own opinions. If it’s easier to go along with what everyone else says without diving deeper, you’re probably lacking a sense of self-respect.
People who aren’t afraid to go against the grain and invest in critical thinking refuse to make assumptions like this. They have the backbone they need to express their own unique opinions and to stray from the group, even if it occasionally creates more challenges and problems for them to manage.
3. People-please
So many people put their well-being at stake in an effort to be liked and validated by others. Usually, on top of insecurity and a fear of rejection, that need to be liked is what fuels someone’s people-pleasing behaviors. They overlook honesty and their own needs to cater to other people, even when it puts their well-being at stake.
People with a strong backbone don’t need to be liked by others. That’s why they are always direct communicators and refuse to sugarcoat things for other people’s comfort. They’re not cruel. They’re just intentional.
4. Procrastinate
Procrastination is generally a way to sabotage your future self. It might be easy in the moment to push off tasks you don’t want to do, but it only puts more stress and pressure on your future self. That’s why people with inner strength rarely push things off, whether it’s household chores or tasks at work.
They respect themselves, and they have the discipline to motivate themselves. They don’t need a ton of pressure or a deadline to get things done because they’re already emotionally strong and regulated.
5. Sacrifice their sleep
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Giving in to peer pressure over social plans or trying to please a boss by overworking yourself is a whole lot easier than sticking to your boundaries. Easy isn't right in this instance. Especially when these expectations require sacrificing sleep, which will inevitably impact overall health.
As an act of self-respect, strong people invest in sleep hygiene and self-care practices that others are somewhat flippant about. They’re self-loving enough to lean into the discomfort for their own good.
6. Suppress emotions
When you suppress your emotions, you’re only putting your mental and physical well-being at stake, as a study from the Health Psychology Review explains. It might feel more comfortable in the moment to avoid these complex feelings, but over time, they don’t disappear. They just linger deep inside you until they bubble up and demand to be felt.
That’s exactly why someone with a strong backbone, who cares about their personal well-being and boundaries, prefers to be direct. They lean into hard conversations and express their emotions, instead of shoving them away for the comfort of others.
Especially if it means resolving some kind of conflict or longstanding problem, everyone’s better off when they lean into a resolution.
7. Waste time feeling sorry for themselves
Self-pity only urges people to wallow in their own sadness, usually for the sake of comfort or validation from someone else. These people need the comfort of others to reassure them, and they often can’t move forward without it. However, someone with a strong sense of self-respect doesn’t need anyone else to feel comfortable and safe.
They might complain or vent about something, but they take action to improve the situation. They’re self-aware enough to know what to do. They don’t just acknowledge their patterns and behaviors, but accept them and move forward, as a 2022 study explains.
8. Shy away from change
Even when it’s uncomfortable and challenging, doing something new is good for you. We thrive when we’re open-minded for that reason. Change is hard, and uncertainty can feel impossible to cope with at times, but in the end, we’re all better off by leaning into the challenge of newness.
That’s why people with strong backbones tend to also be the most intelligent and grounded, because they always accept change, even when it’s difficult. They lean into new opportunities, accept learning lessons when things go wrong, and don’t try too hard to stress over what they can’t control.
9. Dwell on the past
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Nostalgia can be great and heartwarming in moderation. However, when someone’s using it as a crutch to avoid their present-day life, it becomes all sorts of complicated and consequential. It becomes a buffer, where looking back is easier than moving forward.
That’s exactly why someone with true strength avoids dwelling on the past for too long. Even if that means moving forward and forgiving people who may not deserve it or letting go of a grudge, they’re willing to do so, with their best interests in mind.
10. Avoid accountability
People who are unable to regulate their emotions or cope with their insecurities often perceive mistakes as weaknesses. They can’t apologize for or own up to them because they believe it reflects poorly on their character.
However, someone with a truly strong backbone has all the skills and security they need to take accountability. They mend conflict and grow, because they’re willing to accept that they’re not always right all the time.
Of course, the apologies and responsibility that taking accountability prompts are great for others, but they also spark learning lessons for the person offering them. When someone takes accountability and recognizes the harm in their own behavior, they can learn from their mistakes, instead of viewing these experiences as failure.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
