People Who Really Can't Be Trusted Often Do 6 Things In Casual Conversation
Marina Demidiuk | Shutterstock It's often said that we can all only be as accomplished as the people we surround ourselves with, so choosing who we allow into our inner circle is a vitally important decision. It's also no small task. Nobody wants to be hurt by someone they can't trust, of course.
But the company you keep has also been shown to affect your success in everything from hobbies to your career, and there are distinct behaviors that indicate someone is untrustworthy that become evident when you're casually chatting with them. Instagram mindset guru @mindset.unchained recently posted some great advice on how to manage this and make sure that your nearest and dearest are people who you genuinely trust with your whole heart and soul.
Untrustworthy people give themselves away by doing these 6 things in casual conversation:
1. Use jokes to disguise insults
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We've all known this type of person at one time or another, the kind whose jokes all of a sudden start to seem weirdly personal, if not outright mean.
Psychologists say this kind of passive-aggressive behavior, sometimes called "negging" or backhanded compliments, can even become bullying and abuse. They're among narcissists' favorite tools, for example.
And because these comments center on a kernel of truth — whether an actual failing on your part or just an insecurity you have — they can create anxiety and self-doubt, which is often the commenter's goal in the first place. Maintain firm boundaries with these people and don't let them into your head.
2. Refuse to take accountability but readily blame you
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This is also known as blame-shifting and is sometimes a form of abuse. Even if it doesn't rise to that level, though, it's at best unkind and shows a lack of integrity.
Being willing to take ownership of your mistakes is a fundamental part of maturity, empathy, and good character. Passing the buck onto someone else? Not so much. Tread carefully.
People who consistently refuse to take accountability while readily blaming others often exhibit a psychological pattern rooted in fragile self-esteem, a need to protect their ego, and a lack of self-awareness.
A study published in Cornell Law Review explained that they frequently use blame as a defense mechanism to avoid facing their shortcomings and the associated feelings of guilt or shame. This behavior can be particularly associated with narcissistic tendencies, where individuals struggle to acknowledge their mistakes and instead attribute blame to external sources to maintain a positive self-image.
3. Say they want the best for you, but then work against you
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This, of course, can take many forms, including open sabotage. But more common, and just as insidious, are the more subtle types.
The parent who says they just want you to be happy but then criticizes what you want to do with your life. The friend who tells you your goals are ridiculous while claiming to also care deeply.
Sincerely caring and criticizing aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, of course. But for your emotional well-being, you'll want to be careful about how much you let someone like this in.
4. Their words and actions don't match
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Not everyone who exhibits this behavior is doing so nefariously. Cognitive dissonance, the tension between two opposing ideas or behavior that doesn't match values and beliefs, is a common part of the human condition.
Common doesn't mean healthy, however, so when a person's actions and words don't align, you'll want to be cautious about how deep you let your relationship with them go.
The research on people whose words and actions don't match primarily focuses on cognitive dissonance. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology explained that this concept describes the mental discomfort that arises when a person's beliefs or stated values contradict their behavior. This leads them to try to reconcile the discrepancy by changing their thoughts or actions to achieve consistency.
5. They sow doubt under the guise of concern
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Similar to #3, these are the people who subtly tear down your ideas, plans, or dreams by highlighting the negatives and potential pitfalls because they think they're helping by doing so.
But the people you trust most should build you up and be able to raise concerns without denigrating your entire plan or desire. If you have a person in your life who can't strike this balance, it may not be a good idea to let them in on your most deeply held dreams.
6. People who sabotage you, then make excuses
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Similar to the blame-shifters but worse, these manipulative types are just plain old bad to have around you. The bottom line when dealing with these people is to trust your gut.
If their excuses and stories aren't adding up and it seems more likely they're undermining you, they probably are. Better to keep a suspicious eye on them than continue giving them the benefit of the doubt.
People who sabotage others and then make excuses often do so due to underlying insecurities, low self-esteem, a fear of intimacy, or a need to maintain control.
2021 research explained that these usually stem from past experiences and attachment styles, leading them to undermine success and deflect blame to protect their self-image. This behavior is often linked to concepts like self-sabotage and relationship sabotage.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
