11 Things People With 'Quiet' Borderline Personality Disorder Secretly Struggle With
Here are the hidden struggles they rarely let anyone see.
Joao Paulo De | Unsplash What is “quiet” borderline personality disorder? According to writer Matthew Gemma Karamozov, it’s all about how it presents itself. In his piece, “When You Don’t Fit the ‘Classic’ Definition of Borderline Personality Disorder,” he wrote,
The perception of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is one who “acts out.” That’s the “classical” definition, but like every disorder, the condition manifests itself in different ways… So what does being the “quiet” borderline mean? “Quiet” BPD is acting in, rather than acting out, but internalizing all the emotions they feel.
The fears of abandonment, mood swings, anxiety, self-injurious behaviors, impulsiveness, and even suicidal tendencies and black-and-white thinking (splitting) are all part of being a quiet borderline. But those emotions are typically used against us.
Because BPD doesn’t always present outwardly like we think it does, we wanted to shine a light on the experiences of people with “quiet” BPD. Just because something isn’t as visible doesn’t mean it’s any less painful to live with.
We wanted to know what the “hidden signs” of quiet BPD are, so we asked members of our Mighty BPD community to share with us one “sign” that typically goes unnoticed. Here’s what our community shared with us.
Here are 11 things people with “quiet” borderline personality disorder secretly struggle with:
1. Self-blame
“I usually blame myself for a lot of things, even when it isn’t my fault. And a lot of the time, I think my friends could do better than I. I feel like I annoy them too much or I’m too much trouble to bother with.” — Prue I.
“I take every little thing really personally, even if there’s no connection to me. Like if my friend got mad at something, I would automatically feel like it’s my fault and they are mad at me even if I have nothing to do with it.” — Erica L.
People with quiet BPD often turn their intense emotions inward, becoming their own harshest critic. Research on shame and self-criticism found that these individuals often engage in severe self-punishment and self-invalidation as primary coping mechanisms.
2. Mentally retreating
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“Mentally retreating and feeling myself go down the spiral while being able to maintain a good outward appearance. Nobody notices the change … Having to deal with depression and anxiety along with my BPD. People think I’m ‘doing better’ whereas I’m just good at hiding the hard things.” — Shana S.
When emotions become overwhelming, mentally retreating feels like the only safe option, leaving you trapped between self-protection and the longing for genuine connection. Studies show that people with BPD experience significantly higher rates of dissociative symptoms compared to the general population, with emotional numbing and depersonalization serving as protective responses to intense psychological pain.
3. Beating themselves up
“I internally attack myself. Like a wolf attacking its prey, my mind rips me to shreds.” — Haley F.
“I replay all of the day’s conversations and beat myself up for them. I never answer well enough, or I said something that made me look ‘stupid.’” — Shawna H.
Studies show that people with BPD exhibit significantly higher levels of self-criticism compared to healthy controls, with this harsh self-judgment linked to their emotional dysregulation and interpersonal difficulties. While maintaining outward composure, they privately tear themselves apart over imperfections others wouldn't notice or would easily forgive.
4. Being a people pleaser
“I get attached to someone almost immediately, and I spend 90 percent of my day trying to make them like me. If I think they are a little mad at me or dislike me, then my world crumbles and I feel like the worst human being alive.” — Kimberly B.
Studies show that individuals with BPD exhibit significantly higher levels of self-sacrifice and compliance compared to healthy controls, with these people-pleasing behaviors directly linked to abandonment fears and identity disturbance. This constant self-suppression ironically deepens their emptiness and disconnection, reinforcing the worthlessness they're trying to escape, while resentment builds silently beneath the surface.
5. Being afraid of emotional intimacy
“Most people wouldn’t consider [I have] borderline just because I never get that far in the relationship where they can see me truly. When I go out with ‘friends’ and I feel my emotions are going over the ‘standard levels,’ I take some moments to watch my breathing so I can lower my euphoria or bring myself to my center again.
Nobody knows this. People regularly think I am ‘normal.’ I’m constantly working with my breathing when I’m around people without getting noticed.” — M.L.
People with quiet BPD face a painful paradox: they desperately crave emotional intimacy but find the vulnerability it requires overwhelmingly threatening. Research on emotional dysregulation in BPD reveals that individuals often engage in attempting to escape from difficult internal experiences.
6. Dissociation
“If my husband and I argued, I’d start shutting down and dissociating. I wouldn’t be ‘there’ because, in my mind, it was either, ‘Oh god, I was wrong and he’s going to leave me, I better shut up to not make it worse and I would sit for hours in my head, going over why I wasn’t good enough… But I’ve got a great husband who understands, and knows if I get that way, it’s not the silent treatment, it’s me not being there, and he helps pull me back to reality and ground me.” — Aspen A.
When emotions feel too dangerous to process, the mind creates protective dissociation. Studies show that people with BPD experience significantly higher rates of dissociative symptoms, with emotional dysregulation triggering these disconnected states as a learned survival mechanism.
You've mastered appearing present while internally feeling miles away, leaving others unaware you're fighting to stay grounded. This invisible struggle deepens your isolation, as those around you can't see the battle happening beneath your composed surface.
7. Experiencing internal rage
“Internal rage and a racing mind. The things that go through my head are so distorted, and it leaves me trembling inside some days.” — Michaela S.
While others see composure and control, inside, there's a storm of anger with nowhere to go. This fury feels too dangerous to express, so it turns inward, feeding on itself in silence.
The anger remains trapped, growing stronger behind a calm exterior. Studies show that people with BPD who exhibit overcontrol tend to suppress emotional expression while experiencing intense internal distress.
8. Fear of abandonment
“It’s not the typical fear of being left alone. It’s more like a constant fear I’m going to push people away.” — Amanda M.
With quiet BPD, the fear of abandonment manifests as exhausting internal hypervigilance rather than outward protests. The quiet presentation specifically involves what researchers call emotional cascade theory, where individuals internalize distress rather than expressing it outwardly.
9. Self-sabotage
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“I’m excellent at self-sabotage. Consciously or unconsciously, it’s always ‘me vs. me.’” — Mi C.
From the outside, it might look like bad luck, but internally, you're caught in a cycle of destroying good things before they can hurt you. Studies show that people with BPD often engage in rejection sensitivity and preemptive relationship sabotage as a protective strategy.
10. Feeling suicidal or wanting to self-harm after social interactions
“I get set off and then just get mad at myself for it. Like, I will get triggered, and instead of dealing with whatever my problem is, I just take that as the last straw, and I just release the floodgates of emotion in my head. I’ll go from there to hating myself to whatnot and ultimately end up with suicidal ideation. Even when I don’t feel particularly suicidal.” — Alyssa D.
“If somebody makes me really mad, I almost immediately internalize it and want to self-harm over it because I feel it’s always my fault.” — Allison M.
Social interactions that others find routine can leave someone with quiet BPD internally devastated. They may spend hours analyzing every word and gesture, convinced they've ruined relationships or exposed something shameful about themselves, all while appearing unaffected on the surface. This hypersensitivity helps explain why seemingly ordinary social exchanges can trigger such intense internal distress and rumination in those with quiet BPD.
11. Shutting down
“I shut down rather than blow up. I’ve always internalized things, especially as a kid, so talking about/expressing my feelings aloud is still really difficult.” — Cecilia C.
Unlike typical BPD presentations, shutting down involves going completely numb, unable to access emotions, or withdrawing so deeply that connection becomes impossible. Studies have identified this as "emotional numbing" or "derealization," where people feel disconnected from themselves and their surroundings. These episodes can last hours to weeks, trapping individuals in an emotional void while maintaining a functional exterior that masks their internal struggle.
If you or somebody you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
Juliette Virzi is a writer and mental health editor at The Mighty. She has been featured in Yahoo Life, HuffPost, Teen Vogue, Refinery29, Scary Mommy, GOOD, and more.
