17 Things You’re Not Required To Be The Bigger Person About Because Life Is Too Short
Katia Damyan | Canva Remember that part in the SATC movie when Miranda and Carrie are in the back of a taxi, and Miranda is trying to get Carrie to forgive her for screwing up her whole wedding and entire life, and then Carrie says Miranda should forgive Steve for cheating on her while they’re at it, and then Carrie says, “It’s forgiveness,” and the taxi driver nods in understanding?
Well, that has no relevance to what I’m about to say next. There are things people do in relationships that you're not required to be the bigger person about. You might think I’m referring to cheating or something along those lines, but the issue goes much deeper than that. There are things far more awful that you just don't have to forgive someone for, because being emotionally healthy doesn't always mean being the bigger person. Sometimes it means just being done.
Here are 17 things you’re not required to be the bigger person about:
1. If they text other people behind your back and deny it
This is walking the very thin line of cheating, and whether or not he ever acts on said texts/sexts, it is still very inappropriate to feel the need to talk to other women while in a “committed” relationship.
Research shows that emotional infidelity can be just as devastating to women as physical cheating. Unlike physical affairs, the emotional intimacy involved in secret texting can feel like an even deeper form of betrayal because it signals that the emotional energy that should belong to you is being quietly redirected elsewhere.
2. If they disrespect your work/career/hobbies
If your partner ever makes a comment insinuating that your work or major in college is irrelevant, you cannot forgive that. He will forever see you as someone incapable of taking care of herself, and he definitely won’t be someone you can talk to about your stresses or even passions.
Psychotherapist Amy Lewis Bear explained that emotional invalidation "upsets the power balance in a relationship and leads to uncertainty and self-reproach." "You may think that to stay in the relationship, you must swallow any feelings that are not acceptable to your partner," she said.
3. If they blame you for their shortcomings
He is a grown man, and no one is responsible for his shortcomings but himself. If he blames you once, he is the type who will always be looking for someone to blame rather than accept the failure himself.
According to one study, having an external locus of control and putting the blame on a partner actively harms communication and intimacy. A partner who blames you once for his shortcomings is revealing a deeper pattern, which destroys the foundation of any healthy relationship.
4. If they are rude or disrespectful to your family/friends
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He obviously hasn’t learned one of the most important life lessons, which is to learn how to get along with the family. If he doesn’t learn that, you’ll feel the tension in your life forever.
A partner who can't treat the people you love with basic respect is essentially forcing you to choose between your relationship and your family. As Cambridge University professor Dr. Terri Apter notes, how a partner engages with your extended family reflects whether they genuinely value what's important to you, and a man who consistently disrespects them will quietly chip away at your sense of safety and belonging.
5. If they push you to do something you feel highly uncomfortable doing with no remorse
He doesn’t understand boundaries and the lines that shouldn’t be crossed. If he can’t respect when something makes you uncomfortable, run far, far away.
When someone repeatedly pressures you to do things that make you deeply uncomfortable and shows no remorse, that isn't passion or persistence. Psychotherapist Jessica Cline warns that a partner who uses coercion and disregards your discomfort is demonstrating a pattern of control that typically doesn't improve without intervention.
6. If they steal from you or use you for money
You two are in a relationship; you are not his personal ATM card, you are not his chauffeur, you should not have to worry about your bills and his. He’s a grown man and is capable of handling his own issues without having to take from you or use you for anything.
The National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases, and three-fourths of survivors cite financial insecurity as the reason they stayed in or returned to the relationship. Using a partner for money, stealing from her, or exploiting her financially is a recognized form of intimate partner violence.
7. If they hurt you in any way, or a child, animal, family member, etc
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This is a given, any man who has no problem laying his hand on you or any other living thing has no remorse and does not care about the outcome of his actions. Don’t let him get away with this, look out for yourself, or others, and leave/get them out of that situation that will only get worse.
Any form of physical violence is never something you owe forgiveness for, full stop. Licensed mental health counselor Christine Hammond, notes that people who resort to physical intimidation and abuse as a means of control rarely stop on their own, which means the only safe path is the one that takes you out of the situation entirely.
8. If they abuse substances or alcohol
If a man has a substance abuse problem and won’t get help, this should be a deal breaker. If he won’t get help. Leave.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, couples in which one partner abuses drugs or alcohol "are often very unhappy — in fact, these partners are often more unhappy than couples who don't have problems with alcohol or other drugs, but who seek help for marital problems." Without the willingness to get help, there is no foundation for change.
9. If they lie to you, even if it’s about small things that don’t matter
Men usually lie to survive living with us, but that is no excuse if they start sneaking around and lying about the small, insignificant things; then what else will they lie about?
Psychologist Guy Winch warns that when partners consistently dismiss or minimize their accountability, it creates real emotional wounds that quietly accumulate until the damage is irreversible.
10. If they have no respect for your privacy
That obviously means there are some trust issues at work here, and he needs to work on them. There is no need to read your innermost thoughts or private messages.
Studies show that perceived surveillance in relationships triggers negative emotional reactions, encourages dishonesty, lowers perceived relationship quality, and significantly increases attachment anxiety. Privacy is not a luxury in a healthy relationship; it's a form of respect.
11. If they take shots at you, especially if it’s in public
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You should never humiliate each other, whether it’s only you two or in front of people, just to put them down. It’s just an insult in the form of a joke.
Whether it's a dig dressed up as a joke or a comment designed to put you down in front of others, public humiliation is never something a loving partner subjects you to. According to hypnotherapist Michele Molitor, consistently tolerating this kind of disrespect without naming it only signals to the other person that there are no consequences for crossing your boundaries.
12. If they compare you to their exes
I don’t care how many people he’s been with; there is no need for him to compare you to an ex, a random girl at the bar, or a former fling. No one likes to feel like they compete with someone, especially if it’s an ex.
A partner who constantly compares you to his exes is doing something psychologically damaging: he's framing your relationship as a competition instead of a commitment. Being compared to someone else sends a clear message that you are replaceable and still being auditioned.
13. If they dismiss any of your problems, or belittle the things that concern you or stress you out
If he can’t help you solve your issues or calm your worries, then he won’t be a steady figure in your life you can depend on or lean on in hard times.
A partner who brushes off your worries or makes you feel foolish for having feelings is failing at one of the most basic requirements of a relationship: making you feel seen. As psychologist Dr. Guy Winch explains, when someone's valid concerns are repeatedly dismissed, they stop sharing, and eventually, they stop staying.
14. If they put everything and everyone else first
When you love someone, that person is usually (and should be) a priority in your life. Just as you become an important priority in their lives. You don’t want to just feel important, you want to know you’re important.
Perceived partner responsiveness is directly tied to relationship satisfaction, emotional security, and even physical well-being. When a partner consistently deprioritizes you, studies show it registers as rejection, which triggers the same neurological pathways as physical pain.
15. If they bring up your past in a negative way
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You should only be focusing on the present and your possible future. Leave the past in the past, and if it happened before you two even started dating, do yourselves a favor and never bring it into your relationship.
16. If they don’t support you
He shouldn’t make you feel worse about failing. He should always be your rock, your unwavering support system, no matter what.
17. If they don’t show you how much they love and appreciate you
If your man can’t show you he loves you, ask yourself why you are with him. There is no need for you to waste your time on anyone who won’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There’s also no reason to settle for anything less.
Unfortunately, once the honeymoon phase is over, you are just two people who need to deal with the ups and downs of life together. And that is when you see someone’s true character.
There are certain pressures that everyone collapses under, and those can be forgiven. But there are other challenges that only a weak, distrustful person fails to rise to, and that is someone you don’t want to be with. The bad things are glaringly obvious; the other things… well, you be the judge.
Unwritten publishes content on relationships, love, mental health, wellness, and more.
