It's Not Your Fault: 10 Things You're Allowed To Forgive Yourself For Because You Were Doing Your Best
Mario Dominquez | Unsplash Throughout life, we all go through highs and lows. We say things we wish we could take back. We stay too long. We leave too soon. We replay old memories and cringe at versions of ourselves that didn't know better yet. But here's the truth: you were doing your best with the tools, knowledge, and emotional capacity you had at the time.
Self-forgiveness isn't pretending nothing happened, but self-compassion. It's about understanding that growth comes from mistakes, heartbreak, and hard seasons. If you've been carrying guilt, shame, or regret, these are the things you're allowed to forgive yourself for, because you were doing your best.
Here are 10 things you're allowed to forgive yourself for because you were doing your best:
1. Not getting over your ex right away
It’s time to forgive yourself for not getting over your ex. The reason it’s so hard for you to move on is that they gave you some of the happiest and best memories of your life. It’s okay to grieve.
They likely made you feel better than anyone has ever made you feel, and you probably can’t understand why anyone would want to throw that away. When you’ve finally moved on, you might hate yourself a little for how much time you wasted on them. Don’t feel stupid. You’re a human being who has emotions and can feel.
2. Struggling with your mental health
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Forgive yourself for any mental health issues you have. I’m going to tell you something that you need to hear: it is not your fault, and you are not crazy. There is literally nothing you could have done to prevent your mental illness. It is not a choice, but a chemical imbalance in your brain.
Mental illness gets overwhelming, and even when you feel like you’re crazy, remember that you’re not. Forgive yourself for the years your illness took from you. You decided to keep fighting and get help, and you should be proud of yourself for that.
Research shows that mental illness can be tied to real, measurable changes in your brain's structure and chemistry, not a character flaw or something you brought on yourself. Once people actually understand that, they're way more likely to drop the self-blame and get help instead of enduring it alone.
3. Saying no to take care of yourself
There comes a time when you just need a break. In a time when our generation is deeply affected by “fear of missing out,” it’s okay to sit this one out. Spend your time however you want to, whether it’s in a bubble bath surrounded by dimly lit candles or on the couch in your pajamas, eating ice cream and watching Netflix. Take care of yourself and don’t worry about letting people down.
Setting limits and learning to say no is an important act of self-care that protects your time, energy, and peace. According to holistic medicine physician Dr. Chris Gilbert, people with strong boundaries understand “once you learn how to say no, you’ll find that your stress will slowly disappear,” because you start honoring your own needs instead of everyone else’s.
4. Saying no simply because you didn’t want to
Life is too short to spend time you don’t have, doing things you don’t want to do with people you don’t like. Say no and don’t be remorseful. If they’re offended that you don’t want to do something, then you should be offended that someone would expect you to waste your time doing things you don’t want to do.
People who have a hard time saying no and setting boundaries are more likely to end up dealing with anxiety and depression. This is because they are constantly putting everyone else first, and that takes a serious toll after a while. Dr. Brené Brown's research found that people with firm boundaries are more compassionate, not less.
5. The time you think you wasted
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Maybe you wasted your time in a career field that you didn’t like, or maybe you wasted your time on a boy who ended up being a jerk. Whatever you wasted your time doing, forget about it. Don’t waste more time wondering how your life would be if only you had done things differently, because the truth is, you learn a lesson from everything you do in life. Forgive yourself for your time wasted, but don’t forget what it taught you.
6. How you treated your parents when you were younger
At one point or another, we all experienced a little teen angst, and we likely took that out on our parents. You may have been a bit nasty to them in your youth, but they’ve probably moved past it, and so should you. Focus on the relationship you have with your parents right now, and what’s in front of you. Make up for that lost time by cherishing your parents and treating them as you should treat them.
Conflict with parents during adolescence is a normal and necessary part of growing up, researchers have revealed. This is how teens start figuring out who they are and learning to stand on their own. The emotional intensity of those fights peaks in the middle of adolescence and naturally calms down as you mature.
7. Loving someone you shouldn't have
We don’t always have a say in who we fall in love with. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time, and sometimes you meet the wrong person at what seems to be the right time. You don’t always have full control over your feelings and emotions, and sometimes they run wild without us.
Embrace the love you felt and what you learned, even if it meant getting your heart broken. Divorce coach Dr. Karen Finn says, forgiveness is a way of saying, 'They no longer have power over me. I am releasing them so I can move forward in my life,” which means you can honor what you felt without letting guilt hold you back.
8. The mistakes you've made
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A few mistakes here and there are how we learn our lessons. No matter how much sleep you lose over it, you can’t completely undo a mistake. Sure, you can make efforts to fix it, but you can’t completely erase it. Accept that you messed up and forgive yourself. It’s okay to have a few under your belt. It’s good for your soul and builds character.
People who forgive themselves for their mistakes are more motivated to do better next time and less likely to make the same mistake again. We assume beating ourselves up is what helps keep us in line, but Stanford researchers found that self-forgiving people have better mental health, stronger relationships, and a more positive outlook on life.
9. The times you weren't brave
Forgive yourself for the times that you weren’t brave enough to stand up for yourself. For the times that you weren’t brave enough to get out of bed. For the times you weren’t brave enough to be yourself. The times that you weren’t brave enough to let someone go. Or the times that you weren’t brave enough to live your life. Life is tough. We bend, and we break, and it’s okay.
Research from UC Berkeley found that the people who grow the most from their regrets are the ones who treat themselves with compassion instead of tearing themselves apart over it. Self-compassion builds the acceptance you need to move forward instead of staying stuck replaying what could have been.
10. The way you let others treat you
Maybe it was a friend or a romantic partner, but it’s time to push away that disappointment we have in ourselves for allowing someone to treat us that way. Being disappointed means that you know (now) that it’s never okay for someone to treat people the way they treated you. Let this teach you how to treat others in the future.
It’s time we move on and forgive ourselves. It’s time we bury the hatchet that is the past and look ahead to a brighter future. Learn how to apply these lessons to everyday life and help you make the best decisions for yourself. It’s okay to be ashamed of something, but not so much that it prevents you from living your life. Things happen, and you’re going to be okay.
Kait MacKinnon is a writer who focuses on relationships, love, and mental health topics. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and Thought Catalog.
