Almost Every Former ‘Gifted’ Kid Has To Face 8 Experiences In Adulthood
PeopleImages | Shutterstock In my psychology practice, I see a lot of high achieving, intellectual clients, which I can attribute to the fact that these are the people who tend to research their own issues at length and come upon my articles. Often, these clients have had the experience of being categorized as a "gifted child."
Being gifted isn't always as great as it sounds. Many kids that were intellectually or academically advanced learned to set impossibly high expectations for themselves, which can continue to hurt them well into adulthood. If you were placed in the gifted program, my experience shows that you might be dealing with some or all of these challenges now.
Most former 'gifted' kids go through these 8 things as adults:
1. Always feeling weird
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The accommodations for gifted children often include being allowed to work on more advanced curriculum at school. I speak from personal experience when I say this usually looks like reading your own book at the back of the class while everyone else did their work.
While it may be more fun to visit Narnia than to work on multiplication tables in the moment, this leads to a feeling of being an outsider over time. Anyone who has the bad luck of also having a dysfunctional home life is probably going to feel more like an anthropologist studying human nature from the outside than a normal kid. It's nice for gifted kids to have opportunities, but they don't always have the desired effect.
2. Being more sensitive
Highly sensitive people are known for feeling things more than others do and being more affected by their environment. Gifted kids fit this description perfectly because they are often more observant and deeper thinkers than others around them. They may also be physically sensitive to sensory stimuli.
Being a highly sensitive child can also make you feel self-conscious and strange because while the other kids are happily playing, you are overwhelmed with sensory input. It's an entirely different experience.
3. Thinking you aren't living up to your potential
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If you are lauded for your intelligence and potential throughout your childhood, it can be difficult not to feel like your later success isn't enough or like you're missing something. Self-doubt can often be linked to things you went through in the past, and even my most conventionally high-achieving clients struggle with it.
As an example, in my fourth-grade yearbook, a teacher wrote, "Publish! Publish!" It was terribly nice of them to assume I would become a bestselling author one day, but also not the best way to introduce that idea to me. From then on, I felt like I had a potential to live up to that I hadn't even chosen myself.
4. Not understanding why some things don't come easily to you
When academics come relatively easily to you, it can feel blindsiding when other things are hard. Over a decade of effortless schoolwork is bound to make you think everything you ever take on, academically or in other areas, should be just as simple.
When you come upon obstacles that truly challenge you, you can feel helpless, panicked, and anxious. But because you believe you should be able to handle it on your own, you'll also feel like you're not supposed to ask for help, which will just lead you to a place that's even more frustrating.
5. Thinking the only important thing about you is your intelligence
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When your self-concept is too heavily centered around being smart, it can make you do annoying, interpersonally aversive things. You might try to one-up others in conversation and interrupt them so that you can cite some relevant research study or make a clever joke. Maybe it will even impact who you choose to surround yourself with.
Intelligence can change over time, so it is something that has to be practiced in a way, but there's no need to be pretentious about it. The best way to maintain your mind is often to do something that takes you out of your comfort zone, which can be quite humbling.
6. Being a little more judgmental than others
Being praised for your intelligence and creativity throughout your life might lead you to conclude that your way of thinking is best, which is understandable. Even if you logically know there are other valid viewpoints, it can be hard to accept them, especially if they aren't expressed in a way that you find intellectual or compelling.
Growing up in an environment that encouraged judgment or included other judgmental individuals will only make these tendencies worse. It could even mean you have to re-learn empathy because it didn't quite stick the first time.
7. Setting overly high standards for your kids
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It's easy to think that your own childhood experience is universal. So, if your kids are not as good test takers as you were, or they struggle with reading or math, you may find yourself completely at a loss, as well as impatient and irritated. Most gifted kids who grow up and become parents unconsciously (or consciously) imagine that their children will be just like them.
It's natural to tightly grab onto what you think your child should be able to do, but everyone's reality and abilities are different. Being gifted yourself doesn't mean they will be too.
8. Only feeling comfortable with your cerebral side
Often, adults who used to be gifted kids are very comfortable with their brainpower but feel awkward in expressing other sides of themselves. They don’t have as much practice with these parts of themselves and prefer to stick to being intellectual.
In extreme cases, this can lead people to become alexithymic, meaning they can't really express or understand emotions. Regardless of how bad this is for you, only focusing on one aspect of your personality will never lead to fulfillment and can even lead you back to feeling like an outsider who's watching people who are effortlessly comfortable and secure through a window.
If these describe you, therapy can help you dig deeper and understand how to feel more confident, authentic, and fulfilled.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
