Photo: Julio Sanchez/ Shutterstock
You might be the reason you're still single.
By James Michael Sama — Last updated on Jun 05, 2023
I have had countless conversations on dating and relationships with people in all phases of life — men, women, boys, girls, single, married, divorced, and everything in between.
When you really stop to listen and pay attention, there are many lessons one can take away from these interactions: insights into the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as the ability to reflect on your own. Some of these include varying degrees of what could be considered self-sabotage.
Of course, along the way, many of us have become jaded, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or unappreciated. This can permeate a new relationship because we have a hard time letting go of the damage from the old.
It's important that we stay positive and true to ourselves in order to find a happy relationship. Here are five common mindsets that could be keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve.
Here are 5 super-damaging mindsets that keep you single:
1. You expect to find the "perfect relationship"
While the perfect relationship simply doesn't actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less likely and willing to put the required work and effort into building something alongside a teammate. They walk away at the first sign of difficulty, and it's preventing deep, meaningful relationships from actually developing.
No matter how easy and carefree I or anyone else makes a relationship sound, there will always be challenges you must face. But that's what makes you and your partner stronger together.
It's what bonds you together as you overcome these obstacles as a team; It's what it means to be truly committed to the person you love.
2. You have not yet recognized your own self-worth
Relationships are not only about finding the right person to be with, they are also about being the right person to be with. For many of us, we don't just wake up one day and instantly become that person. We need to put in the time and effort to develop ourselves accordingly.
The bottom line is that "we accept the love we think we deserve" and you get to decide what you deserve. Someone's inability to see your value does not make you any less valuable.
That's why it's called self-worth. It's up to you, not them. If you do not feel like you truly deserve to be happy, you will always find yourself sabotaging the situations which can bring it to you. Stop being the victim and start being the victor.
3. You are actually scared of finding happiness
A long time ago, people talked to me about being scared of becoming successful. I never really understood what they meant. How could you be scared of success? How could you be scared of happiness?
Both success and happiness require risk. They require much more risk than mediocrity or just settling. Taking the safe path through the woods. Living a 'beige' life.
It can be scary to think of falling for someone who does not fall for you in return. It can be scary to imagine giving too much to someone without them giving in return. But without risk, there is no reward.
Fortune favors the bold, not just in life, but also in love.
4. You never think the timing is right
Life gets crazy. We get busy and it becomes difficult to imagine shifting around our schedule to accommodate that of a whole other person to build a relationship with them.
The timing isn't right, but you will be able to focus more after you reach your next goal. Or, after you make this deadline. Or, after your new assistant gets hired.
Whatever it may be, there is always an excuse that seems to keep us from doing what it is that we really want to do. "Someday" is not a day of the week and it never actually shows up on the calendar.
There is no perfect moment, but what there is, is the ability to take the moment and make it perfect. There will be no wrong timing when you find the right person, but you need to be open to them coming into your life.
5. You are jaded
This may be the most common reason why people do not want to date anymore. They have been burned in the past and have felt unappreciated.
They don't think there are any good people left in the world. No good men and no good women; All men are jerks, and all women are crazy.
After one, two, or twenty disappointments, it's natural to become worn down and discouraged. Keeping your hope alive is the only missing piece in finding the person you are meant to be with.
There is no predicting when or where you will meet the person you fall in love with. You may be reading this article on your phone and bump into them on the street. You might be in line behind them in the coffee shop. You might meet them at a party. But, if you are too jaded to give them a chance when they do come along, you risk letting them get away forever.
While it's a risk to put yourself out there and chase after happiness, it's far less of a risk than spending the rest of your life wishing you had.
More for You:
James Michael Sama is a relationship expert who writes about dating and relationships. He speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness, and has been featured in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.
This article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the author.